Now THIS is how St. Patty's Day should be kicked-off! ...

I bet you're all thinking I found myself drowning in a bucket of green beer, aren't you?

You are WRONG, suckas! 

I drowned myself in cake... glorious, St. Patty's themed cake... Here's what happened.

Last week, Miranda suggested a cake night.  I've done another cake night post Here.  We started talking about this particular cake night earlier this week and deciding what we wanted to do. 

Miranda: Let's make a Patrick's day cake

Me: OK... How?

Miranda: Green Cake with Cream Cheese icing?

Me: O My God I had a mini orgasm over the words cream cheese icing.

Miranda: A green velvet cake!

Me: yummmmmm!

And then it took on a life of its own.  Seriously... this is gonna take some work to out-do.  First, my culinary skills and boxed cake mix do not mix.

Hi. I'm making a WHITE cake.  As in, egg whites only?  Like... the way it tells you to do on the back of the box?  Like duh.  You should dig those yokes out now.

However, my culinary skills take a turn for the better here... my secrets to baking, let me show them to you.  DON'T USE FLOUR to grease and flour your pans.  I use cooking spray and a little bit of the cake mix.  It does the same thing as flour, but won't show up as ugly white powder on your cake, and you won't have that flour taste. 

Now THAT is some green cake batter!  It was at this point that I realized... um... maybe leaving those yokes in wouldn't have been so bad?  Because you wouldn't have been able to see them?  Through all the GREEN... but that's OK.  I like to follow the RULES outlined ever so discretely on the back of the cake box RIGHT AT THE TOP.  Anyway... that took quite a bit of green food coloring, and I started worrying about the consistency of the cake batter with all that extra moisture being added.  I really don't know much about how food color works... clearly...

So then we filled the pans with the green goo batter and baked for exactly 28 minutes and they were PERFECT!  Moist, but just a little bit golden brown on the top edges.  The color reminded me a LOT of either green playdough or the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz.

                         

 

Anyway, we let them cool while we had some frozen pizza (That I also baked because I am CLEARLY a culinary goddess.  Obvi.).  Now came the SUPER fun part!  A few tips?

If your local deli or supermarket or whatever doesn't carry the cream cheese frosting (which, I mean... who DOES that?!  Oh.  My deli does that.  Stupid.), buttercream will also work.  It's a little more of an off-white or yellowish color if you are going for aesthetics, but it tastes just fabulous.  It's not AS yellow as the container suggests though.  Also?  You will need 2 if you are doing a layer cake.  I have no idea about sheet cakes because I don't do that.  I stick pretty much to layered round cakes because that's the kind of pan I have in my house.  I have no knowledge about cake-making outside of the realm of 9-inch rounds.  Sorry...
So I slid the first layer of the cake out of its pan.  It comes out with NO problems every time I use the above mentioned method of greasing/flouring your pans.  I put it on a plate (because I am not fancy or suburban and cake stands just don't fit in my apartment I'm SORRY!) and spread about half of the first container of buttercream icing on top.  Maybe a little more.  I don't like wimpy icing layers.  Then I slide the second layer out of its plan, and put it on top of the first layer up-side down so that I have a nice flat surface to work with.  I use the rest of the first container and about 3/4 of the second container of buttercream frosting to cover the top and sides of the cake.  If we're getting fancy, you can slide pieces of parchment or wax paper under the first layer of cake so it doesn't get on your nice fancy suburban cake stand.  Wax paper also does not fit in my apartment.  Sorry.Once you are done icing, you pull the paper out from under the cake to reveal a perfectly clean cake stand and a perfectly iced cake.  Anyway... I have no pictures of this because my hands were busy getting messy with icing and holding the knife at the perfect angle to ice seamlessly, but not get anything on my ordinary urban plate.  I also do not have one of those fancy dancy cake spatula things...

Yeah one of those.  I just have to rely on straight SKILLZ, yo!

I also purchased a tube of green frosting to add some shamrocks on top of the cake. I was dismayed when I realized that after unscrewing the top and cutting the tip, that you were supposed to have some sort of cake decorating nozzle do-hickey to screw onto the end of the tube.  I did not.  But dudes.  I think it turned out pretty darn good, no?

How cute is that?!  I just squeezed dots out in groups of 4 from the tube, then used a toothpick to drag some icing to make stems.  So cute right??

One really important part of cake night is.... only forks allowed.  We don't cut slices of cake, or big pretty pieces or anything fancy like you suburban people do all the time.  No no.  We dig right in.  It's one of the most important rules about cake night.  In fact, it might be the ONLY rule about cake night.

Rule 1: Only forks at cake night.
Rule 2: ONLY FORKS AT CAKE NIGHT.

This was something we had to explain to Bethany when she looked at me like I was crazy.  I finished icing the cake, went to the silverware drawer, and produced 3 forks. 

Miranda: Oh.  Yeah.  We don't cut pieces.  You should just grab one of those (gestures to forks) and dig in.

Bethany: .....

Miranda:  Seriously!

Bethany: Haha this is so fun!  This is serious!

We took the cake to the living room and dug in.  And that is the only way to explain it.  DUG in!

There's the first "dig"... Look how perfectly green that cake is!!!  Can you believe it?!

And then this is what happened...

And I'm too embarrassed to add the final picture.  Let's just say a few more shamrocks disappeared.  Luckily, it's just me at home, and it's almost my birthday and if you think I'm not considering having cake for dinner you would be WRONG, sucka!  But I'll probably have a salad first.  Because it's in the same color family.  GREEN!

Puka fell in love with Bethany.  She laid on Bethany's lap and gave me the stank eye like "Look, woman.  Some people LIKE me being on them at all times!"  And then she had some banana time.  Which probably sounds weird to you. When I first adopted Puka I got her a banana filled with catnip.  It's her favorite toy and the only one she actually plays with. I have a really sad and neglected plush bunny and mouse, both with catnip.  Puka only wants the banana.

No, Mom.  My banana.  Stop trying to take it.

Also?  I successfully departed Procrastination Central.  I got the clothes picked up and hardwood floors cleaned.  Tonight is laundry, shopping, clean the bathroom and filing that paperwork.  And if I have time I'll finish those last 2 drawers on my dresser.  Which I think I will. Because I am MOTIVATED!  It's beautiful outside and I have friends (FRIENDS!) visiting this weekend and it will be great!  WOOO!!

Happy St. Patty's Day everybody!!  Go have some carbombs!

Procrastination Central...

I have not been especially busy lately.  Well.  Actually.  I've had a lot to do, but I have been doing nothing.  So I should have been busy, I just opted not to be.  Rather I've been sitting on my ass going "huh.  Those clothes probably aren't gonna hang themselves."  and "those 2 drawers on the dresser look really good... maybe I should finish the last 2?".  But instead of getting up and DOING these things, I'd just sit and say "yeah yeah, I'm gonna do that.  In 15 minutes.  No, 37 minutes, when this show is over... because this episode of Kourtney and Kim is one I JUST cannot miss."  And then suddenly it's midnight and I'm putting Puka and myself to bed with the house still a mess. 

Last weekend I had big plans of going to Chelsea Market and Union Square.  And I actually started the week off in Productive-ville!  (Procrastination Central, Productive-ville.. you see where I'm going.)  Even though it took me an hour to get to the gym, I went and rocked it out.  And then the 7 train wasn't running (something about signal problems.  Blah.  Always.) and I had to take a cab home.  But that cabbie's meter wasn't working so he took me close to the midtown tunnel, and then had me get out and get another cab.  And he didn't charge me for that leg of the trip which was nice.  So I had to take 2 cabs to get home!  Crazytown!  (There we go again!) 

But that's about where my productivity stopped.  Saturday I slept in until about 11, got up and decided I just plain didn't feel like showering, which cut out leaving the house that day.  No big deal, I'll just clean the house.  I need to dust, and vacuum and I'd like to clean the hardwood floors and the kitchen counters could use a good scrubbing and I need to clean the bathroom because I won't be able to before next weekend when everybody arrives.  So I'll do that today and TOMORROW I'll go run errands.

I vacuumed.  2 out of 4 rooms. 

And I cleaned a very small amount of hardwood floor.

That was it.

And I was up until 3 in the morning!  Kids!  That means that I had a solid 16 hour day and I did approximately 15 minutes of work.  MAYBE.  I mean, that's really stretching it.  So then I sat on my couch and I started working on my dresser project (photos to come because I want to finish it first.  And I have to order more paper before I can finish it.  Guess who hasn't ordered more paper?).  I covered 2 drawers in the pretty paper.  Would you like to know what that entails?  Cutting the paper in half, and decoupaging it on the dresser.  And that's it.  I got 2 done.  2.  There are only 4 drawers, but apparently that was JUST too much for me to handle that day.

I can't honestly tell you what else I did.  Seriously.  There's a good 15 hours there that I just can't fill-in-the-blanks.

So Sunday I got up with new resolve.  I saw the hardwood floor cleaner sitting in my living room, the clothes piled up on the couch in the bedroom, the dirty dishes in the sink, and the pile of paperwork that needs to be filed. 

PSHAW!  I'm going to the market!

So I showered, I dressed, I did my hair and make-up.  I was set to go!  And then I heard a bus.  I never hear buses around these parts. 

Oh.
No.

That's not a bus!  That's a shuttle!  That means the 7 train is still down!  My 15 minute trip to Chelsea Market just turned into a 45 minute+ haul!  And I'd have to lug all that stuff I buy back on the shuttle with me! 

Oh.

Uh uh no they didn't.

And I landed right back in Procrastination Central.  But at least I looked hot, right?  I mean, not that anybody else knows that because I DIDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN ON SUNDAY.

And one would think that maybe just MAYBE I would have taken the opportunity to finish what I had put off the day before.  Like put away the clothes.  Finish the floors.  Clean the kitchen.  FILE SOME DAMN PAPERWORK THAT HAS BEEN SITTING IN THE KITCHEN FOR A YEAR OH MY GOD.

Nope.

I distinctly remember sitting on my couch thinking "welp.  Can't go to the market now.  So... there goes my whole day."  And so I turned on a movie.  And another movie.  I fooled myself into believing that this was all the Universe's doing because my horoscope had said to have an easy day and just enjoy.  Dude, that's fine and all except that I did that already on SATURDAY!  Like, remember??

So then it was Monday.  I remember getting home... and I meant to do something... Oh but then I got really cold and had to huddle under a blanket on my couch until the place warmed up.  And then I made dinner.  And then I watched something unmemorable on TV and then I went to bed.  Also?  I did not clean up dinner.  Also?  I broke a dish, swept it into the dust pan and left the full dust pan and broom 3 feet from the garbage can.  When I woke up on Tuesday, I was disgusted by myself. 

So yesterday (Tuesday) I had big plans.  BIG plans people!  I was going home and throwing away that broken dish, taking out the trash and recycling, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning up the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, dusting and doing the hardwood floors!  In all honesty, I could have gotten all of that done in an hour or so. 

Uh huh.

But guess who DIDN'T!

I did take out the trash and recycling and I did empty the dishwasher and I did clean up the kitchen.  But I did nothing else.  My bathroom remains uncleaned, the paperwork is still unfiled.  The hardwood floor cleaner is still hanging out in my living room.  And I can see the dust from across the room. 

But I did catch up with some very stressed out friends which was lovely!  One was Lyss who was initially unimpressed with my "inspirational speech" but changed her mind when I doled out a good dose of what she calls "perspective".  A.K.A.  PEOPLE DIED IN A TSUNAMI THIS WEEK, YOUR BOY/WORK/FRIEND PROBLEMS ARE NOTHING!  If she said that to me I'd just be pissed.  It worked for her.  What can I say, I play to the people.  The other was one of my best friends from high school, Dustin, who is just wonderful and I miss terribly.  Good to know that every guy makes stupid mis-steps in their relationships.  Also good to know that some actually try to fix those mistakes instead of clinging desperately to their pride. 

Ahem.

I got to catch up with mommy.  And friend Mike (as usual).  We had a thrilling conversation about sea bass.  I'm not kidding.  That whole sentence is totally serious. It was thrilling.  And it was about sea bass.  Mostly Chilean, but we touched on black and striped as well.  I'll spare you the details.  It's all just too riveting.

I also managed to get the DJ good and annoyed at me on Monday night.  I let him know that I wouldn't be visiting because I thought it was pointless and that I'd just end up broken hearted again and that doesn't sound very appealing to me.  He told me that he figured I wouldn't, but that he had thrown the invite out there so he seemed like less of a douche.

Hold the phone.

Any recovery from douchiness that you made by offering the invitation, was just negated by that statement.  Although I'm sure it was a defense thing like "I knew all along that you would say no and I certainly wasn't HOPING you'd come so this is no surprise, so just so you know I knew all this all along and I'm fine with it just FINE.", I have this way of kicking people when they are down.  See also: I am the Queen of Snark. 

I told him that he couldn't seem one way or another to me because I already know who he is.  But that yes, I assumed that the invite was less about seeing me and more him trying to be on good terms with me to ensure his numbers (number of fans/followers, etc.) stayed up.  This was one of the first excuses he gave me for not being able to set boundaries on his relationship with one person in particular.  "If I stop talking to her, her friends will get pissed and then I'll lose all of them as followers!  And right now, it's all a numbers game.  I have to be able to tell people I have thousands of people I can reach out to to promote."  Ugh.  I hate that I even stuck around after that load of crap.

Apparently this upset him for who knows why.  Since it's something he said, and that "douchebag" comment totally asked for it! 

When I asked what day he was coming to pick up the rest of his stuff because I wanted to be there, he accused me of saying he was going to steal something from me.  He asked if I wanted to alert the precinct across the street too.  GAH! 

NO DUDE!  You left the place in total disarray which took me a week and a half to get back in order, as you may recall... and I don't feel like going through that again!  Plus, given the way you react most of the time, if something DOES get broken or taken, I want to know it was an accident and not you being malicious!  WHY IS IT DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND WHY I WANT TO BE IN MY OWN HOUSE?!  Anyway, he tried his own hand at snark with the "I know how busy you are and all..." and the "... so I won't take up TOO much of your time" blah blah blahs.  He failed.

So you are probably thinking that, since I realize my extended stay at Procrastination Central, maybe I would go home tonight and just bang it out.  Well you would be wrong.

Miranda suggested a St. Patty's inspired cake night for tonight.  You may also be wondering if the cake is baked yet.  And the answer would be no.  And in fact, it isn't bought yet, either and I have no eggs.  And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, eh?  Eh?  So I will be RUSHING out of here at 6pm, running to E&I, grabbing cake mix, icing, eggs and hopefully either some green food coloring or tubes of green tube frosting for decorating, and running home to make my masterpiece.  Then I will try to get SOMETHING ANYTHING OH MY GOD I'M SO EMBARRASSED BY MY APARTMENT done before Miranda and Bethany show up.  Pictures to follow.

You know.  Unless the train stops running outbound from Procrastination Central again or something...

3 Days In A Row and I'm On A Roll!

Hi again! 

So I'm considering going to do a little light grocery shopping this weekend so that I can avoid another catastrophe.  Granted I will still probably have to venture out to that far far away grocery store for a few items every now and then, but I'd rather not do another big shopping trip.

So I think I am going to head to Chelsea Market this weekend and see what I can find.  I'm especially excited about the Fruit/Produce market there called The Manhattan Fruit Exchange.

Here's the website for you to check out: Chelsea Market!!

I was reading over some information, like what time they are open and if they even open on Sundays in the FAQ section when I came across this little tidbit that made me giggle:

"Can I bring my dogs, cats, goldfish, donkeys, penguin, turtle, sugar glider, tarantula, or pony into the market?"

First of all.  In case you can't tell by the ever-changing Icon on this here blog, I LOVE penguins and would give my right big toe (more important appendage than you would expect) to have a PET penguin!

What also made me laugh is that probably, at some point, someone has requested that each of these animals be granted access.  It would in no way surprise me.

Last weekend when I went to Tasti Delight (ew. gross.  not even CLOSE to Red Mango, and I must now locate a new... location... because my Red Mango closed down.  This is perhaps a blessing in disguise because it was right by my gym, and thus counteracted all of my hard work.  But Still.  Heartbreaking.) this woman absolutely walked into the place with her dog.  Like.  Into a place that serves food.  And thought nothing of it.  THEY HAD TO ASK HER TO LEAVE!  She thought that by assuring them that she would be quick it would be acceptable to bring the dog in.  New Yorkers are a bit crazy sometimes.  I love puppies as much as the next girl.  But seriously?  Maybe if you know you're going to a place that serves some sort of food you should either 1) Not bring your dog with you on that particular trip or 2) call before you come to see if it's OK??  I don't know, call me crazy.  But generally people get nervous when furry creatures that walk on all 4s, have been known to munch on their own poop and only bathe maybe once a month if their owner is REALLY on top of things start walking all over a public place where they are supposed to be eating. 

Anyway.  New York is very much so a small dog friendly city.  As long as the dog fits in your purse or a carry-on bag you can take them on the train and in cabs.  They are allowed in lots of boutiques and shops, can run around central park, and there are a number of stores dedicated to their health, comfort, and beauty. 

But not restaurants.  And that's just common sense.  And that question made me laugh for this reason, too.

So anyway, I'll be there either Saturday or Sunday this week.  I am scheduled to go to the gym on Saturday and I think that both working out AND grocery shopping in the same day might actually put me over the edge.

(I just spent like 30 minutes trying to find the exact clip that I thought of after typing that sentence.  It is a F*R*I*E*N*D*S episode from Season 5 called "The One With The Inappropriate Sister" and it's literally the opening scene where Ross is super bored and has done all kinds of errands already that day because he's unemployed.  Joey tells him he needs to learn to space things out.  YOU YouTube it if you want to see it.  I'm just frustrated now.)

(Also, as you get to know me, everything can be related to either F*R*I*E*N*D*S or Family Guy.  Just to make myself feel better, here is one of my favorite Family Guy clips:

)



So there you have it.  If you feel like coming out to Chelsea Market on Sunday, you'll probably find me in the Fruit Market (hehe.  Fruit.  Chelsea... it's funny in an 8th grade humor kind of way...)

This is me:

Here's hoping I won't have a plastic cup of beer in my hand if you see me...



I'd like to apologize...

Although it's still entertaining to read my most recent post... I was a disaster yesterday.  So I'm sorry for bringing that negative YELLING IN ALL CAPS disaster into your lives.

On a positive note, I'm much better today.  I arrived a whole minute early today.  There were no assholes on the train (that I ran into at least... I refuse to comment on the actual number of assholes living and breathing in New York City on a daily basis.), and my computer is successfully working again.  It was the monitor, as I suspected.  It's been replaced, and all is right with my tiny little 3x4 foot area of the world again.

I also made it to the gym last night.  You'll be happy to know that The Guy That Bothers Me At The Gym was standing down on the next block and thus, no avoidance tactics were necessary!  Also?  I discovered why I've almost died every SINGLE time I've been on the elliptical in the last month and a half or so!  Because I am an IDIOT and just continue going like I'm invincible or something.  <~~  So not the case.

Hi, if you eat lunch at 12:30 or 1, and then you get to the gym around 7, and try to work out for an hour and burn like 600 calories?  Without eating anything at all for like 6+ hours?  YOU'LL PROBABLY GET DIZZY AND FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO PASS OUT/PUKE.

I am college educated.

And now I'll be having a snack on gym days before I head there.  Stupid.

I have also come up with a more feasible gym schedule.  Weight and working out is stuff I've always struggled with.  Technically I've been an unhealthy weight pretty much my entire life.  I've lost a ton of weight, gained a ton of weight, started working out, stopped working out, blah blah blah every overweight person's life.  I do know that my weight/mood/general feeling is improved by working out.  I can watch what I eat, and I do eat pretty healthy.  I get good strong doses of fruits and veggies, I choose lean beef, eat lots of chicken and fish and other seafood.  And I try to space out my eating so that I have 4 small meals during the day and don't eat dinner after 8pmish.  Except that I loooove me some cheese.  And fried stuff.  And chips.  And Queso.  And pasta.  And bacon.  And cheese.  And I have a mean sweet tooth.  And did I say cheese already?  Not sure?  Then CHEEEESE. 

I get pretty annoyed at people that can actually eat that stuff and their metabolism does the work for them and you can't even tell they totally oinked out on pizza and mozzarella sticks, or lobster ravioli in a cream sauce the night before.  Because the evidence is all over my waist and hips!  BUT... if I work out on a regular basis?  And take a fat burner supplement in the mornings?  I can allow myself to eat that stuff sometimes (which really is all anybody should allow themselves because that stuff will send you right to the grave.). 

My original plan was to go to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY after work.  That way I got in 5 good workouts a week which is admirable.  Also?  If I had to plan something, I was still getting 4 in, and now that I have this grown up, big girl job I can go on the weekends to make up for a missed work out!  YAY!

Except.... no.  Just.  No.  I am not a gym rat.  5 days in a row is crazy!  And really not good for what I'm trying to accomplish.  Plus?  It's daunting!  I am so exhausted just thinking about going to the gym EVERY DAY that I don't even look forward to it.  I'll go, hop on the elliptical machine of doom for 30 minutes, and call it a day.  And that's not really going to do much.  Even if I can get an hour in, just elliptical isn't good.  I need to get some free weights in there, maybe some medicine ball, maybe a class every once in a while?  I have to change it up to get results. 

So the new plan is this.  I will go every other day.  So I went yesterday.  I'll go Thursday and Saturday this week, then next week will be a Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday week and we'll continue that way.  This means I will get my butt out of the house and to the gym once every weekend, I won't have to lug my gym bag to work with me every day (Dudes.  It costs the same if not MORE than the monthly membership fee to rent a locker at my gym.  WHAAAT??  That's just silly.), and it should get me back to enjoying the gym. 

So all in all, kids... it has been a much improved 24 hours!  Thanks for listening yesterday!  I would say you didn't have a choice, but... you came!  You read it!  You totally had a choice!  So thanks for that!

Finally, I'd like to send a great big Happy Birthday out to my Dad who is super old and my little brother Scott who turned 18 on Monday!!  Not to make myself sound old, but I totally remember getting the phone call from my dad that Scott was born... and I still have a picture of me holding that 11 pound newborn chunker!  (Seriously not even kidding.  11 pounds.  HUGE.  But really freakin cute.  He's much taller and leaner now.  Like.  Has a solid 8 inches on me.  Blah.)  So happy birthday all! 

I'm going home :)  Because it's not a gym day :)

Case of the Mondays... except it's Tuesday. And that makes it worse...

OK people.  Today has been rough.  And I need to vent, so Lucky You!  You are officially my sounding board!

So I'm not sure if I did something to bring this on.  I don't know if this is Karma kicking me square in the butt over something.  But today has just been downright difficult.  Literally, from the very first moment I realized today existed.

I don't recall having a dream of any type.  I don't think I heard any noise (other than the basic New York City buzz), but at 6:39am my head SHOT off my pillow and I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.  I was trying to catch my breath and my eyes darted around the room, first settling on Puka who was giving me her "um.  Hi.  I was sleeping and you went flailing. Could you, like, NOT do that?  GOD." look.  I see that I have a little less than an hour left to sleep and can't figure out what might have woken me up.  I check out my phone to make sure I didn't get any "somebody's dying!" texts or phone calls.  Nothin.

So I go back to sleep. 

And I wake up at... 7:55.  Awesome.  A full 25 minutes after I'm supposed to.  UGH!  So I get out of bed as quickly as I can (not easy with a cat sleeping directly between your knees, and your torso wrapped in 4 blankets, but ya know...) and get in the shower.  I am ready to go only 3 minutes late which... don't even ASK me how I managed that.  I don't even look that bad, which is really saying something!

So I head to the train.  You know those days (and for non-city people, picture the guy on the freeway going the exact same speed you are, and sitting in your blind spot, and the car in front of you refusing to speed up at all, thus imprisoning you going 52 in a 55 on your way to work when you are already running late) when people just don't MOVE?!  I JUST miss a train.  OK, no big deal.  I'll be on the next one and I'm only a couple minutes late.  I should be OK.  Except that then I start looking around and noticing that the platform has become VERY packed.  My usually quiet, uncluttered platform, is lost in a sea of people.  A train pulls up, and I'm pretty sure I could actually see the metal being stretched around the people already packed inside.  I think 3 more squeezed in, but honestly... I think bolts were about to start popping.  Then the second train comes.  Same thing.  It's now been 15 minutes that I've been waiting for a train, and I have exactly 10 minutes to make a 25 minute commute.  Cool.  FINALLY a train comes that I can get on.  I had waited 20 minutes.

*Sidebar*  Hey yo bitch?!  The one standing DIRECTLY in the way of the door, and then you move slightly and are RIGHT in the way of anybody moving into the center of the car, thus making 2 people continue waiting on the platform after already waiting 20 minutes for a damn train because you didn't FEEL like walking away from your little spot?!  YOU ARE A DOUCHE CLOWN AND SHOULD BE SHOT.

ahem.

7 minutes later we are at Bryant Park.  I get off and try to rush over to the staircase to run up before the bulk of the crowd and make it down the corridor to jump on the train and make it to work only 5 minutes late.  HA. We say to you NO!  NO luck for you!  I was cut off by... like... everybody.  Hi, just because your face is forward, I see you looking at me out of the corner of your eye.  You are not sneaky.  And I'm putting some sort of Irish curse on you via death stare. 

*Sidebar* HEY ASSHOLES?!  The ones coming down the up side of the stairs and literally almost knocking that old lady WITH THE CANE over?!  And you jerkwads coming from the Orange line trains toward the 7 Train that insist on taking up the ENTIRE corridor and making us coming from the 7 train walk in a single file line, unable to squeeze around the person in front of us to make the next train as quickly as possible?!  SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodness... those sidebars just keep sneaking up on me...

I make it onto the platform and wouldn't you know the train that finally comes ISN'T THE F TRAIN?!  (By the way, the Fing F Train flows nicely off the tongue on days like this.)  It's the ever illusive M train that is never anywhere to be found.  Do you know that I waited 10 minutes for an Fing F train?  10 MINUTES!  People.  I check for train delays every morning.  I have been LIED to!  I would call waiting 7+ minutes during rush hour a delay. 

Today I waited a total of about 30 minutes for trains.  For a total travel time of 15 minutes.  I SPENT DOUBLE THE TIME WAITING FOR THE TRAIN THAN I ACTUALLY SPENT ON THE TRAIN.

Cool.

I finally make it into my building.  Arty greets me as usual (the first truly bright and friendly part of my day) and I am on my way to the 10th floor.  I get in, apologize to Craig for being late.  I get to my desk, hit the power button on my computer, take off my coat and start checking my phone.  It's only after I have responded to a Skype message, read all of my Facebook updates, respond to an email, post 2 comments and turn my phone to silent do I realize that... nope... computer STILL isn't doing anything.

I move the mouse.
Nothing.

I hit the power button on the monitor.
Nothing.

I hold in the power button on the tower and restart.
Nothing.

I hit the monitor power button multiple times in a row.
Nothing.

I'm out of ideas.

I call Craig and tell him that, on top of my already HEINOUS morning, now my computer appears to have blown up. (Also?  The TV in my bedroom blew up the other night.  "Your shit keeps malfunctioning around me!")  He calls the tech guys.

10 minutes later my monitor lights up with the "Press ctrl+alt+delete to begin" screen.  It was 9:45am.

Thank GOD this wasn't an actual emergency because it is currently 2:47pm and the IT guys still haven't shown up.  Awesome.

Now, all that is pretty frustrating.  But as I've said before, it's pretty typical. 

What sent me over the edge? 

Yesterday I got a phone call for the Aussie chick that I support.  She is out of town... actually, out of the country, for the next 2 weeks.  I inform the caller that she is out of town and unavailable for a couple weeks, and would he like to leave a voicemail that she will definitely check? 

He asks if there is anyone else that was working on "mystery deal 007" with him?

Well, sir... I'm not sure.  Did you have a name of anyone else you worked with?  No?  Just her's?  And no other contact information?  And no one else that has been in a meeting with you?  Then I'm gonna go ahead and guess that she's the only one on this particular assignment. 

No, I'm sorry, the only other people that she generally works with in this office are out of town traveling as well.

Yes I'm sure they are out of town.

YES I'M SURE.

SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY COULDN'T BE MORE POSITIVE OF THIS FACT AS I AM CURRENTLY STARING AT THEIR EMPTY CHAIRS.

No, sir, I can't tell you when she might check her phone.  The only other person that you may be able to talk to would be her boss in Australia.  Would you like his phone number?

Yes, sir, as I said they are out of town, I promise I'm not lying to you.
Yes, she is definitely out of town for at least another week and a half to two weeks.
She is checking emails too if you'd like to send her an email. 

YES SIR SHE IS DEFINITELY OUT OF THE OFFICE AND NO THERE ISN'T ANYONE ELSE HERE THAT CAN HELP.

(am I not currently speaking English?)

Do you know this jackass called back today?!  AGAIN! 

" Hello, so-and-so's desk?"

"Hi, so-and-so this is JACKASS calling to confirm..."
"This is actually her assistant.  Did I speak to you yesterday?"
"Um... yes?  I was wondering if  so-and-so was available?"
"No sir, she's still out for the next week and a half."
"Oh, well is there somebody else there that can help me with..."

FOR THE HOLY LOVE OF GOD THANK GOD THEY DON'T HAVE VIDEO CONFERENCING BUILT INTO THESE PHONES BECAUSE THEN YOU WOULD SEE THE STEAM ACTUALLY COMING OUT OF MY EARS AND THE CHOKING MOTION I AM MAKING TOWARD THE PHONE!

"No sir, they are still out traveling as well.  Again the only person that I can direct you to is her boss in Australia.  Did you call him"

"Yes, but he wasn't there."

"OK, did you leave a message for him?"

"No, I thought I'd try so-and-so again instead"

"OK, but remember that she's out of town for potentially 2 more weeks, so...."

" Right.  OK, so nobody at all is there that can help me?"

Seriously?!?!  SERIOUSLY?!?!  This guy is super lucky I didn't just hang up on him.  I get that you have something you need done and it's probably pretty urgent.  But I can't confirm any of this information for you, and the person that you are trying to get in touch with in this office is totally unavailable for the next 2 weeks.  YOU WILL NOT HAVE ANY LUCK.  I promise you this.  Now, we have this little thing called... no wait.  I don't even think you could call this modern technology because it has been around for like... 40 years?  Longer maybe?  IT'S CALLED VOICEMAIL USE IT OH MY GOD. 

People.  I need a vacation.  Somebody start clicking on those ads on the sides of this site so I can get paid and use those millions of... cents... to go somewhere sunshiny and white-sand-beachy.  Please?  Oh Holy God please help me! 

Also last night I started revamping my Events By Connie website, so hop over there and tell me what you think.  But don't, like, expect it to work because my life is FRUSTRATING and I'm becoming STABBY now! 

So basically I didn't like the way the website looked so I changed it.  And it does look prettier.  Much more casual, a bit more versatile, and significantly more "me".  What's the problem?  WEBSITE TONIGHT CAN BITE ME!  It's a good idea in theory.  But in practice, not so much.  The navigation buttons on the homepage don't work yet.  You have to go to the photo gallery first, THEN you can go wherever you want.  Honestly?  I don't love the photo gallery right now so I'm not super happy that everybody HAS to go there!

Things are the wrong color.  It's not optimized yet (not that I have any idea how to do that.)  and I was thisclose to throwing my laptop across the room.  And really?  It's not her fault.  It's all stupid Website Tonight's fault!  It doesn't want to let me move things to different areas on the page.  These huge boxes appear around tiny objects, making spacing weird, and when things overlap you can't grab certain other things so it becomes one of those stupid games like on the iPhone with the little wood panel looking things that you have to move all over the screen to get them to... like... I don't know... I have no idea what the end result of that game is because I've never seen it happen and that's EXACTLY how this website feels GAH!

And then there's the DJ.  Who, compared to all of this, is actually only a little frustrating.  He was commenting on my facebook status the other night and since I think that's STUPID I IMed him.  He said that he needed to get with me to figure out what weekend would work for him to get his stuff.  Like, the rest of his stuff?  That he left?  For I don't know why?  And is now all over my apartment taking up space and bringing back memories of him living there?  Which is awful?

I said OK, and that my weekends were filling up too.

And then he asks:  "Are you planning on coming down here soon?"  Or something along those lines. 

Um.  Whaa?  Like, to see friend Gia?  Or my brother Mike and sister-in-law Jody and QUINN-QUINN AWESOME?! (my nephew :)  and one of the really cool things that I got full custody of in the divorce)

Or..

Like...

To see him?

So I ask what for?  And his response is "I thought you were planning on visiting me and Maggie?"

Um.  Whaa?

I tell him that, no I hadn't actually thought about it at all because I really didn't think we were "there" yet.

He asked why I thought I couldn't visit.

Um.. Because like I just said... "I don't really think we're to that point yet"?  Again, am I not speaking English?  Really?

He said that he didn't think a visit would be a bad idea, but that it was totally up to me.

Well, it really isn't totally up to me.  It might be mostly be up to me, but in the end I'd be staying at his house.  Correction.  His father's house.  So it's not a unilateral decision that I can make, like, "Hey!  I'm coming for the weekend!  See you in 4 hours."  Hello?  RUDE!

So I asked if he was saying that he wanted me to visit.  To which he said:

"Yeah I think that would be great... I really would come see you but I don't want to go to New York unless I have to..."

And that?  That right there?  That bothered me.  Like. A LOT.

Yet again, I'm in second place.  Seeing me comes in second to his desire to avoid New York.  "Yeah I want to see you, just not QUITE enough to actually make the trip.  Just not QUITE enough to put myself out of my comfort zone."

And now I'm reminded of all the times that I came in second.  "Yeah, I want to be in a relationship with you, just not quite as much as I want to guarantee that Lindsay and Ashely are in my life."  "Yeah I want to spend time with you, just not if one of the random girls wants to talk, or John calls to talk about DJ equipment, or there's something good on TV, or... um... some other unforeseen circumstance."

And I'm tired of being second.  I don't like it, and I deserve to be somebody's priority.  I won't put myself in a position where I am tossed so easily to the side.  I won't allow him to continue to think that's OK.  I will not set that precedent for myself for the future whether it's with him or with somebody else.  I want more than that.  I should get more than that. 

I told him I would think about it, but there's nothing to think about.  The answer is "No", DJ.  I'm not coming.  I would give my left foot and most of my arm to see you and Maggie again.  But I need to know you'd give the same to see me. 

So you want me?  Come and get me.

If not?  Then I'm not emotionally setting myself back and coming down there just to be cast to the side again.

But this?

...Is totally killing me right now.

Puppy Play Date, My Place, 7pm!

I had a puppy play date at my house last night!

Me!

With no puppy of her own!

And only a very bitter and angry cat lurking in the corners to show that I have any pet love at all!

My friend Terri brought her Pomapoo (Pomeranian and Poodle mix) named Oliver over last night...



Everybody say "Hi" to Ollie :)

... to play with our friend Jon's brand new Rottweiler puppy named Zilla!



OK, now everybody say "Hi" to Zilla!

I can't even get over how cute they were!  I tried to take so many pictures of them playing but just couldn't get them!  They were too fast!  But they love Love LOVED each other to death!

Here's an action shot:



Oliver found safety on the couch, as Zilla went straight for his tail every time and was giving him quite the haircut!

Their favorite place to play was directly under the kitchen table while we were enjoying homemade enchiladas, brown rice and black beans.  The Coronas almost fell over multiple times!

Zilla is quite the happy little puppy.  She lets you snuggle her and smell her puppy fur and gives just the very best little nose kisses ever!  Terri got in some pretty quality time...

Zilla was just a little squirmy, but look at how long her legs are!  And her paws are HUGE!  Jon is gonna have a big girl on his hands sooner than he knows!  But he's such a proud papa...

Jon says I made him look bald in this picture.  In my defense, he was not the focal point.  But Jon is definitely not bald!  He has a full head of hair in the form of a Mohawk!  I swear!  But look at that puppy face!

And Zilla knows her daddy.  I got to pet-sit while Jon ran some errands after dinner, and she was very upset when he left!  She cried a little, but mostly she just hung out by the door.  And then I convinced her to come hang out with me where she slept soooo sweetly on the couch!



How do you not just instantly fall in love with that little nose?!

And how did my angry cat deal with this?

Well we looked all over for her...



"Puuuka... where AAAARE you??"

Zilla helped. 

Puka wasn't having it.  In fact, Zilla was so quiet that Puka thought everybody had left.  She ventured back into the living room to get in some serious cuddle time because "WOMAN!  WE HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FOR FAR TO LONG.  Cuddle needs... I has them."

But then, she saw Zilla.  And Puka was piiiiissed.  Hissing and doing that throat rumbling thing cats do.

So it appears I may have to re-think this whole "Puka needs a puppy to keep her company because she misses Maggie" thing.  Apparently the only dog allowed in our house permanently... is the original Maggie.

And Maggie just couldn't be happier about that....

I got tipsy on the train ride home... and Charlie Sheen is a "Winner".

So I went home this weekend!  It was fabulous!  I made my train with no problems at all out of New York.  I settled into my seat, and then started talking to a girl about her wedding.

I saw she had a ring on and was reading a bridal magazine.  That was my cue to ask if she had a wedding planner with the explicit plan to forward my career and business.... except that she did have a wedding planner and so we just chatted.  She was nice.  I hope she has a nice wedding...  If YOU are getting married (or throwing any other type of party or event) you should probably check out www.eventsbyconnie.com... like nowish.  :)

Anyway, I got to Hershey, and I had something to eat and went to bed early (for me...), and woke up late.  I got to have French Toast in the morning, and... Dun dun DUN....  I found the pretty paper!

I know!

No.  I KNOW!

I didn't think it was possible either!  It's not the exact pattern that I wanted.  It's more paisley, but it's absolutely perfect!  So please be expecting a how-to-decoupage post happening soon!  I found the paper at a little scrapbooking store at the Hershey Outlets.  I also now want to create myself, and everyone I've ever known, a scrapbook.  But anyway, super successful!

Also... I found a video tape that I made of my Nanny and Papa when I was in high school.  I had to do a history project and interview someone that had lived through an important part of history.  My Grandparents had been born in the 1920s, had grown up during the Depression, and my Papa fought in World War II.  I have their whole lives up until 2002 documented, and it is such a prized possession.  But in all the moving from city to city, I couldn't remember where I had kept it.  Something told me that I had it at my mom's house, but she assured me she had checked everywhere and couldn't find it.  It became REALLY important for me to find it, since Nanny died in December this year.  I wanted to make DVDs of the tape for the whole family to have.  So I was having a bit of a conniption over not being able to find it.

We were going through some plastic bins underneath my sister's bed... and there it was!  It's one of those mini VHS tapes that were used in video cameras for... like... a year I think.  I want to find somewhere to convert it to DVD, but this is my ONLY copy of this REALLY important tape, so I need it to be some place reputable.  If you have any ideas, PLEASE PLEASE share them with me.  I want to do this as quickly as possible. 

Also?  I ... GULP... drove.  For the first time in almost 2 years.  And I was fiiiiiiiiiiine... I drove to the grocery store and my dad's house.  I was just all over the place!



This is the view from where I was sitting.  Make no comment about how short I appear behind the steering wheel.  It was the camera...



Anyway, beyond those pretty big success stories, the weekend was just really relaxing.  And then the trip home... it was glorious! 

First, the train was absolutely packed.  Generally you can grab your own double seat on the train.  No, there really wasn't that option this time.  So I settled in with a woman who was sleeping soundly, and not snoring.  She didn't smell, so I figured this would be fine.  I sat down, and opened a book I brought with me.  I noticed some movement and glanced over at the woman just in time to notice she had stuck her hand down the front of her pants in her sleep.  AAAAAAAAAAND I NEED A DRINK.

It's blurry because the tracks got suddenly very rough.  But not rough enough for me to not have that "single serving" of Woodbridge Cabernet!  The guy even threw in a snack for free!  That's where the excitement over the snack ends.  The crackers were fine, and came with what claimed to be a cheddar cheese spread.  There was also dried fruit bits (I ate the dried grapes.  Raisins.  Because they were the least nasty.)  And then I couldn't bring myself to eat the raspberry shortbread cookies.  But that's fine because that all would have messed with my buzz!

In Philadelphia, the woman I was sharing my seat with / totally disgusted by got off.  (The train, sicko!  She got off the train!  UGH.)  I figured this was a pretty good time to hook up another "single serving" of wine.  Now, let me advise... a "single serving" of wine is not ACTUALLY a single serving.  It's at least a glass and a half.  Add that to not eating the snack and Connie is tipsy after "single serving" number 2! 

I said that this was Amtrak's version of the red solo cup... because I was a PARTY of one, kids!  

So it was a successful weekend at home.  I watched the Oscars which were... okay.  James and Anne were young and inexperienced.  I don't know that they are as bad as a lot of the reviews are saying.  But they were definitely not great.  I loved The Kings Speech and really thought it deserved everything it won.  Colin Firth's acceptance speech for Best Actor was adorable, just as he is.  I liked Sandra Bullock's presenting.  Justin Timberlake is a goon.  Kirk Douglas is hilarious! Scarlot Johanneson looked a hot mess.  And I love, Love, LOVED Melissa Leo's dress. 

And I've been bombarded with Charlie Sheen.

I've never really liked Charlie.  He seems skeezy and immoral to me.  And I really struggle with people in positions of influence being either of those things.  Funny how most seem to be, though.  I get that actors are generally eccentric, and that Charlie will probably be a legend in his own right.  But it's gone too far.

I watched his TMZ interview today.  Then I watched a few snippets from other interviews.  I came to the conclusion years ago that Charlie isn't really acting on Two And A Half Men.  He's just living out his actual life on screen.  It takes no talent on his part, and yet he still can't deliver a line and his actions look jerky and unnatural.  Well, I guess he IS jerky and unnatural in real life too, so... maybe that really is the way it's supposed to be.  Yikes!

The interview, honestly, scared me a little bit.  It wasn't an act. It wasn't a show that Charlie was putting on for the cameras.  It was Charlie Sheen, 100% true to himself.  He honestly believes that he doesn't have a problem, that he really can just stop all of this whenever he wants, but that he's just not in the mood to stop.  He doesn't FEEL like it.  He truly believes that everyone wants to be him, and mentions repeatedly his huge house, the "Goddesses" that he lives with (a porn star and a model), and his expensive toys.  He thinks he's living a dream life, which he describes as grandiose, and that people that criticize him are jealous of him.  When asked about his kids wanting to experiment with everything he has, he says he has no problem with them drinking at the house and trying certain things, but he would never allow cocaine because it's a no-win drug.  And that he did it for the stories, and he has enough stories for everyone.  His kids don't need their own stories.

He also commented that the reason Michael Jackson is dead is because he abused prescription drugs, and didn't read the directions.  He felt that if Michael Jackson had read the directions and followed them properly there would have been no issue. 

Quick Question:  How many baggies of cocaine have YOU seen with a warning label and a set of instructions in 3 languages included with purchase?  What rules are you following, Charlie, to ensure you don't end up in the same situation?  And by the way, Michael had a doctor (obviously not a good one, but he had one he thought he could trust) administering the drugs.  Do YOU have a doctor administering your various drugs of choice, Charlie? 

He refused to say that his actions could be dangerous.  I bet that chick that was tied up in the closet at the hotel feels a little differently about that...

Charlie is a walking contradiction.  He will not speak poorly of certain people while they aren't in his presence, saying that he doesn't "roll people like that".  But then others he has no issue beating into the ground with insults.  Charlie truly believes he is the leader and protector of the entire Two And A Half Men cast, and says that they are being paid for 4 of the 8 canceled shows because of his actions to make that happen.  He takes on this selfless persona saying that he will not rest until they are paid for all 8, and he's worried about himself getting paid last.  He said that he can't buy multiple homes in his neighborhood because they cut out these episodes.  Homes he was buying for his family so they could all grow up together in this "beautiful gated community".  Um.  Cult, much?

He says that comments he has made about being an Adonis and having tigers blood coursing through his veins are entertaining.  He won't say it isn't all true, but it is entertaining.  Okey dokey. 

And the Goddesses.  O for the LOVE, the Goddesses.  Charlie is so excited about the fact that he has 2 20-something girls living in his house he can hardly stand himself.  In one interview, he is asked what he thinks of the people criticizing him, and his response is something along the lines of "what kind of cars do they drive and how many girls do they have at their houses?  Yes... I said girls..." with a smug little smile across his face.  He trusts these girls with the upbringing of his children on a daily basis.

While Charlie said many times that everyone's opinion in the house was considered, that his way was the best.  As he has a good 22 years on anyone in the house, he clearly knows best.  And as long as everyone follows his plan, everyone will be happy.  Doesn't sound much like a democracy to me.  He also kept using this "scoreboard" and "winning" metaphor.  I don't know... apparently Charlie is a winner and the rest of us are losing or something... I don't know.

The most shocking thing about the entire interview was when Charlie said he was 45 years old. 45?!  Honestly, I thought Charlie was rounding 60!  He looks awful!  His dad looks like he's in better shape than Charlie!  I haven't seen Martin Sheen in a while, so I expected him to pop up on screen all haggard looking.  Not the case at all!  Basically, Charlie's family can only pray for him and support him, because he's not going to listen.  He's not going to change.

I think this scared me because so many of the things that Charlie said...... I can't believe I'm even thinking this... but they remind me of the DJ.  And if I wasn't nervous enough about his recent actions since moving out and "dealing" with our break-up, this scares me a lot more.

The DJ drinks.  Not just on the weekends, or a glass of wine with dinner.  He drinks.  Pretty heavily.  Friends have told him he drinks too much, but too many people enjoy the crazy, drunk DJ.  And so he's encouraged to keep it up.  He has, on more than 1 occasion, made comments about how all of his married friends WISH they could be him.  He boasts about his big expensive toys (TVs, Cars, etc.), and dreams of being famous one day so he can do whatever he wants.  (For example, he feels that Michael Vick was justified holding the dog fights on his property because it's his property.  And he owned the dogs, so they were his property too.  So he should be able to do anything he wanted.  And if people were going to say it was wrong to hurt the dogs, that then dogs should be treated as human beings and be eligible for tax write offs.  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.   And this is coming from a guy that owns this little piece of my heart...)

The DJ has avoided most people that actually give him a dose of reality since leaving New York.  Instead he surrounds himself with people that party a lot, don't know him well, and are willing to put out.  He has no job, yet buys expensive new TVs, and brags about it to his friends.  He honestly believes he is living a fabulous life, and calls his dad's house (where he is currently living in the basement) the "Frat House". 

I can't describe how scared I am that the DJ could be Charlie Sheen in a few years.  I could see him going on benders, and living dangerously, thinking he has everything under control and that people are just jealous of his lifestyle... a lifestyle they can't achieve.  Until one day it comes crashing down.  I feel like the world is just watching Charlie Sheen die.  I really don't want that to be the DJ...