Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Think I Just Had A Miraculous Recovery!

No today is not weight loss Wednesday because I was unable to make it to the gym.  Here's hoping I make it either tonight or tomorrow... but if we're being honest that isn't looking like a strong possibility. 

But I think I might have good news!

When I started this blog 7 months ago, I was going through a rough time.  I was going through my break-up with the DJ.  I posted flow charts of grieving to track where I was, and talked about my feeeeeelings a LOT.  Finally I got to the point where I was OK.  I was having a ton of fun and had great friends and was really appreciating the life that I had.  But if I'm honest, I was still really missing the DJ.  Even after all the crap, and how terribly he treated me for the last year of our relationship, I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone and I didn't want to let go of hope.  Hope for what?  I have no idea.  Hope that maybe he would change into the man I needed him to be?  The man I still know is possible for him to be?  Hope that he would figure out that we had the makings of something great that is worth holding on to?  All of the above?  I don't know. 

In an attempt to stop feeling sad about him I took him off my news feed on Facebook.  For some reason when we broke up he was suddenly the top post every time I logged in to Facebook every single day.  It was like somebody was smacking me across the face multiple times a day.  But taking him off the news feed didn't help.  I was still sad.

The crying at night did stop.  The constantly thinking about him stopped.  But missing him and thinking about the future we should have had really never stopped.  Maybe it subsided a little bit, but... never totally gone.

I have lacked any interest in dating, or even going on a date.  And any time I see someone I am attracted to, I come up with a reason for why I shouldn't even take a second look.  My favorite is "He probably has hairy toes, and really?  I don't want to deal with that."

My girls have tried to make me feel better about that by declaring that they have hairy toes too.  This does not help, and also sort of makes me look at them like they're weirdos.  I will turn them on to Nair if it kills me.

Then I went to that wedding and had 3 dreams in 3 nights about the DJ.  Nothing in particular, just that we were together.  Doing normal every day things together.  I woke up and didn't feel sad or angry.  Mostly surprised that I was dreaming about him.  Which just made me think about him a lot. 

Then on Monday night I received an invite from him on Facebook to his Birthday Bonanza (but he forgot an "n" so it came out Birthday Bonaza.  This is not the first time he's done this. It drives me crazy.)  I wasn't sure how to deal with the invite at first.  I knew that he didn't really expect or really want me to go.  But he extended an olive branch, so I had a choice.

I could just click "not attending" on the invite and call it a day.  I would come off as a frigid bitch, but it would be over, I guess.

Or, I could just thank him for the invite and politely decline.

Or, I could just leave it unanswered in my inbox.  (Crap.  I didn't think of THIS option until right now.)

So I sent the DJ an IM.  I simply said "Thanks for the invite.  I'm taking it as an olive branch rather than a serious invite, but I really appreciate it.  If you do end up getting arrested (which he has a propensity to do.  Let's just leave that alone, eh?) and somebody doesn't know the protocol, they can feel free to call me and I'll walk them through it.  I'm sure you'll have a good weekend though."

Simple enough, right?  A little joke, well wishes and a thank you.


You would have thought I just slapped his mother and kicked his dog.

It turned into this huge ordeal.  When the DJ gets upset, he stops making sense.  Basically whatever is jumping around in his head comes out all disorganized and is not discernible to anyone but himself.  But basically, he said that he was trying to be cool about everything, and if he didn't want me there he wouldn't have invited me.  But I have the invite, so if I don't come then he'll take the hint and I wouldn't hear from him again.



I told him that if I didn't come to his birthday it was a me thing, not him.  That I thought it was a time he should spend with his friends and not be worrying about me.  And that if I didn't come, it wasn't me saying I never wanted to talk to him again. 

He said that we don't talk now, so what would be the difference?  (Which only confused me because what?  If it won't make a difference then why is it a good idea for me to come to the birthday at all?)  I was a friend and he would treat me like anybody else.  He said he was trying to be cordial with me but it was clear I didn't want to be cordial.

I said that we have known each other for too long to try to be something we're not.  So if he doesn't want to be cordial to me, then just don't.  That I don't know where I stand in the whole break up/ healing/ over it phases, and he was clearly over me.  So it might just be painful to be there.

He said that he's just trying to get by at the moment, and it is what it is. 

I told him that was a very political response, and that DC was rubbing off on him.

He said he had nothing to hide.

I said "ok, but it hides everything".

So he said he has nothing to hide... again....

After about 10 minutes or more of silence I said, "OK aaaaaaaaand break!  Oh, we already did that."  ya know, just to lighten the conversation?  That didn't work. 

So I went to bed and cried.

I told Terri about the conversation.  She said not to stress because she felt like he over reacted.  When I told Miranda I had been invited to his birthday she asked if I was going to take a date.  THAT would have been awesome.

So I went home last night and started getting weepy again.  And I was just thinking about things and why I was so sad when I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore. 

And then it clicked.

There I am, having a conversation with myself and the DJ in my head, and it just clicked.

The DJ had taken all the things he had done to his ex girlfriends, cheating on Stephanie, being an asshat with Lorelei, and rejecting Lindsay and making her feel like she was a last choice, and he did them ALL to me.  But just to compound it, to make sure he had really damaged me, he added lying and sneaking around, the two things he knew would destroy me.  And then for the icing on the cake, he abandoned me.  He left me to deal with all the things he had committed to handling with me.  He left me in New York by myself.  He left me like so many people had in the past, and the weight of all of this crushed me. 

And somehow, for the last 7 months, the DJ has had some power over me.  And last night, in my head, alone in my apartment, watching Trucker, I told him he couldn't do that to me anymore.

The crying stopped.

I sat up and felt powerful.

I felt together.

I felt like myself again.  The me that I really liked that was independent and strong.  The me that didn't rely on the DJ for anything anymore. 

The reason the DJ keeps drinking too much, and getting arrested, and treating his girlfriends and friends badly, and womanizing.... it's because people always make it OK for him to.  They always show up to his birthday.  They always tell him how fantastic he is, when just a few years ago he treated you like an asshat, or last choice, or he cheated on you.  And if people want to encourage this, then fine!  That's fine.  They can deal with finding him face down in his own urine.  Or pay the bills he can't or won't.  Or find him a job because he can't do it himself.  Or bail him out of jail.  Or walk Maggie when she's crying to go out (which she only does if it's an emergency) because he feels that she can wait until he's good and ready simply because she is his property.

But I won't be. 

I don't accept that DJ.  None of that is OK.  And I certainly won't let somebody like that keep me down. 

And today I feel lighter.  Like physically, emotionally, spiritually healthier.  Even when I try to recall him, it's like my mind pushes even the image of him away. 

I think I'm actually healed!

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