Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Adventures in NyQuil Land...

So I promised I'd tell you how that recipe went, right?


The crispy chicken yumminess was a hit, and was even delish next day (although significantly less crispy since the tortilla was heated in the microwave and not stove top.)!  I could have used more chicken because mine were more saucy than chickeny.  But good nonetheless.

Last night?  I did brown sugar glazed salmon.  UGH!  SO SO GOOD!  Next time I will use actual salmon filets.  This time all I had was sliced salmon from trader joes.  But this took me all of maybe 15 minutes.  In a sauce pan I heated 2 tablespoons of butter with a tablespoon of honey and three tablespoons of brown sugar.  Once totally melted, I removed it from the heat and added 1/4 cup of dijon mustard, 2 tablespoons each of soy sauce and olive oil, and one tablespoon of finely ground ginger.  Let the mixture cool.

You are supposed to grill the salmon, but getting out the foreman is annoying so I used a pan on the stove.  I rubbed the salmon with veggie oil and dusted lightly with salt and pepper.  Go sparingly on the salt, as this can very easily become too salty.  Place the salmon in skin-side down (mine didn't have skin, so... just... pick a side any side!) and then I brushed the other side with the glaze.  Flipped, and cooked for probably a total of a minute or two on each side (these were VERY thin slices of salmon).  I served mine with corn and broccoli.  Brown rice would have been yummy yummy too!  This recipe can be found here in case you feel like giving it a whirl.

In other news, I'm drunk on NyQuil today.  Apparently.

So my entire office has been sick repeatedly for a couple of months.  Because nobody can afford to stay home and spare everyone those germs.  So we all come in and hack and sneeze on each other and spread the germy love.  We're just that close.

I had about a 3 week bout with this a few weeks ago.  I threatened everyone's lives when I said "I'm going to the doctor for antibiotics, so you all better get yourselves right before I spend all my money on this medicine only to have you people get me sick again!", but then miraculously I got better the day after I went to the doctor, so I just never went to get the drugs.


Here we are, just a few weeks later and guess who is hacking and sneezing again?

It hit me in just 24 hours.  I was fine, relaxing at home, and then BAM.  Sick.  Typically I take an allergy nasal spray (my doctor says it helps to clear out the sinuses so that you don't get a sinus infection, just FYI) and combine it with about 3 days of DayQuil/NyQuil to feel about 95% better.  Last night was the first night of NyQuil.  I took it at about 11:30 last night which, admittedly, was kind of late.  But I figured I wanted to sleep through the whole night, so if I got up at 7:30, there's the 8 hours they recommend planning for and I'll be good! 

HA, I say to you.

I am barely aware of getting up or dressed this morning.  It's a miracle I'm not here mostly naked with mis-matched shoes.  When I got into the office, I tried to return a phone call.  As I was looking at the number I needed to dial, I found myself staring at the keypad on the phone, kind of confused.  Then I realized I was looking for the (-).  Like.  I wanted to dial 2 1 2 -....  THERE IS NO (-) BUTTON!  Gah.  I hung up the phone and tried again several hours later.

I pounded myself with DayQuil and coffee.  So now that I am very much more aware of my surroundings, I am able to tell you that OMFG MY FEET HURT SO BAD!  I'm wearing adorable red patent leather shoes this morning.  The heels are just not conforming to my feet.  So in order to try to combat the shoes actually slowly scraping off the skin from my achilles tendon, I went to the bathroom to put some band aids on my heels.  I opened each band aid and placed it on my foot.  Aaaaah, much better!  I use the bathroom and go to wash my hands.


In the 30 seconds it took me to go to the bathroom I forgot that I had tossed the band aid packaging into the sink!

I walk over to it and go "Ugh, how gross!  Who tosses their band aid packaging in the sink and doesn't...... oh wait.  Oh right.  Yeah.  NEVERMIND hahaha.... ugh."

I got lost on the 19th floor.  As in, I stepped off the elevator looking for room 7.  A directory was literally right in front of me, and I totally didn't see it.  Took me forever to find room 7.  When I got back to the elevators I saw the directory.  I just rolled my eyes at myself because, really?  What else can you do at that point?

So sad.  I'm a walking mess.  These things happen, though.

In more exciting news, I'm going to get a new iPhone 4S on Thursday! WOOOOOOO!  Also, I think Ana and I might do a bit of Christmas shopping/hot cider/chocolate drinking at the Christmas Tents in Union Square on Thursday!  And on Friday I go back to Hershey for cookie baking day!!  Let's hope I can pull my crap together by then, eh??

So I know you are ALLL just DYING to hear about my Thanksgiving, no??  I know.  No worries.  I plan on doing a big holiday post complete with pictures and whatnot after... um... the holidays?  Duh.  But believe me, it was a blast and a half!

Now I am off to do... whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing.  I see a lot of paper on my desk but none of it seems to be making much sense.  Also lots of notes scribbled on post-its.  And a grocery shopping list.  I think I'll start there....

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Food?! I LOVE food!!

And this is why losing weight is such a struggle for me.  As far as I know I am holding steady at 23 pounds lost.  I feel better, but not great.  I can and will lose more.  But these winter months are proving to be quite difficult to get through since all I want for dinner is pasta and warm, creamy deliciousness! 

I have been lucky enough to find a TON of good recipes on Pinterest.com (which, for the love, if you're not on here you better get on NOW!) that are healthy and totally satisfying.  One is just mushrooms and chicken sauteed with garlic, olive oil, salt, pepper and onion powder over brown rice.  Easy, takes about 30 minutes (because brown rice, in case you don't know, doesn't like to be cooked and takes FOOOORRREEEEVVVVEEEERRRRRRRRR!)

Last night I tried another recipe that I found here called Taco Soup.  Now.  Keep in mind, I am but a poor New Yorker just trying to make ends meet.  So some modifications had to be made.  Here's what I used:

1/2 Lb. of Ground Beef
2 Tbsp Minced Garlic
1 Tbsp Onion Powder
2 Tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 Cans Kidney Beans
1 Jar Classic Marinara Sauce
1 Package Sweet Yellow Corn
2 Cups Chicken Stock
2 Tablespoons each of Homemade Taco Seasoning, Oregano, Cumin and Chili Powder
Light Sour Cream
Shredded Pepperjack Cheese

I browned the ground beef in olive oil with no seasoning because I can't afford a whole pound and I don't want to consume too much red meat.  Once browned, I dropped into a large stock pot.  In the same skillet I sauteed the minced garlic and onion powder in olive oil for less than 1 minute.  I didn't want the garlic becoming too bitter.  Then I dropped that in the stock pot.  I used a little of the chicken stock (because I don't keep beef stock around) to deglaze the pan, and poured that, along with the remaining chicken stock, into the stock pot.  Then I dropped both cans of kidney beans including their juice into the pot (I only used kidney, but black beans or pinto beans or any combination of beans would be delish.), and the jar of marinara sauce.  The recipe called for a can of diced tomatoes with the juice but I couldn't find any at the grocery store and I was getting antsy.  So marinara it was, and it worked fabulously!  Then I dropped the package (ya know, minus the actual packaging) of corn into the pot.  Then I included the seasonings and mixed everything together.  I let it sit over medium high heat for about 45 minutes while the flavors combined.  Mine didn't get too thick, but if yours does it is recommended to add water.  After 45 minutes, I ladled as much as my bowl could handle, topped with a dollop of light sour cream and a little shredded cheese.  You top it with whatever you deem delicious!  It is basically like a chili, but it's got a little southwestern kick to it, and the sour cream and cheese add an amazing creaminess to it.  I had some left over for lunch today and it was even better than it was last night.  Careful not to over eat this!  About 2 good ladles is about 250 calories, which isn't bad.  But you'll want seconds and thirds which starts to get out of hand...

I combined this with roasted garlic cloves and roasted halved brussel sprouts.  I spread these out on a cookie sheet and drizzled lightly with extra virgin olive oil and salt (because somewhere along the line, I ran out of pepper.  Crazy, I know.).  Then I tore up pieces of bacon and scattered them throughout (about 3 pieces of bacon total) and roasted everything for about 45 minutes at 350 degrees.  I never really thought about eating roasted garlic by itself.  I've had them mashed up in potatoes and things like that.  But trust me, you'll thanks me when you taste roasted garlic cloves.  Seriously.  Yummmmm!

Tonight I am trying Crispy Chicken Wraps.  These can be found here.  I will again be improvising because I am super broke and food in NYC is priced much like gold!

1/3 Cup Light Mayo
Onion Powder to taste
Dry Basil to taste
5 Pepperoncini finely chopped
2 Tbsp Light Sour Cream
2 Tbsp. Hot Sauce
Leftover half of rotisserie chicken, skin removed and chicken shredded
Shredded Pepperjack Cheese
Flour Tortillas

Combine mayo, onion powder, basil, pepperoncini, sour cream and hot sauce.  Add shredded chicken and toss to combine.  Sprinkle shredded cheese on tortillas leaving 1/2 inch around edges.  Arrange the chicken mixture down the center of the tortilla.  I will make as many as I have chicken mixture for.  The recipe calls for 4 total tortillas.  Roll the tortillas up around the chicken, leaving the ends open.  Spray the wraps all over with cooking spray.  In a non-stick skillet that has been heating up on medium heat for about a minute, place tortillas seam side down and heat until browned (2-3 minutes on each side unless your stove is on steroids like mine, and then plan on it being about a minute for each side)

I will then be prepping dinner for Wednesday night... Parmesan chicken found here!  Tonight all I have to do is cut slits in defrosted chicken breasts, and marinate them in olive oil, garlic and poultry seasoning.  I didn't know what poultry seasoning was, so I Googled it.  Because Google knows all, and it has become my only way of problem solving.  It says it's a combination of ground sage, ground thyme, ground marjoram (?), ground rosemary, nutmeg and black pepper.  Obviously I'll be improvising.  I see it going a little something like... some meat tenderizer, nutmeg, thyme and some kosher salt.  Anyway, tomorrow I will remove this from the marinade, and drop it directly into a combination of "whole wheat bread crumbs" (also known as whatever kind of bread crumbs are in the cupboard) and Parmesan cheese.  These should bake at 425 degrees for about 25 minutes, then a few minutes on each side under the broiler.  Chicken should be firm when it's done, which all but ensures you won't die from salmonella poisoning. 

Anyway, I'll let you know how the last two go.  But these totally satisfy my need for hot meals for dinner that don't take that much work and will be done quickly, especially with a little prep the night before.  Also, choosing things that you have leftover from other recipes or meals seriously cuts down on food cost.  And choosing to use light or low fat, or skinless, or simply less of something that isn't great for you will seriously help your health and bathing suit body for that mid-winter vacation that's quickly approaching.  The first blog I linked to does weekly meal plans that you can browse that include printable grocery lists (amazeballs!) and the last website is a woman that lost a TON of weight and now has her own food blog with lots of weight friendly recipes that have worked for her! 

Now.  If I can stick to healthier recipes, all I need to do is get my at-home gym together.... motivation.  I need some moooootivation!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Escape Artist

This weekend was beautiful outside!  I got to spend some time outside on Saturday, but Sunday I was either cleaning or watching football, or whatever.  So I decided to open the window a little bit to get some fresh air in my room.  I picked up Puka from the bed because I thought she might like to enjoy the fresh air...

This bitch tries to jump out the window!  And then as I try to drag her back inside she clings to the outside ledge like she's trying to get away from me!  Do I need to remind her who feeds her?!  I can't imagine why she would want to get away from me...

The time I put sunglasses on her butt to make it look like a face...

The time I tried to steal her favorite banana toy...

The 3rd time I moved her to a weird new place and she hid for days...

The time I let a puppy chase her around her own house and under the couch...

The second year in a row I made her dress up for Halloween...

The time I set Puka up to look drunk...

The time I tried to make Puka wear a New Years tiara that was too big for her...
OK.  I see your point.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

bouncing.. back? bouncing... checks? follow the bouncing ball?

OK, I'm coming back around.  Last week was frustrating, and the last couple days have been super stressful and LONG at work.  But somehow I'm feeling a little bit better. 

I mean... I've still lost most of my faith in humanity, but you know what I'm saying... :)

So, exciting news!  There are PEOPLE!  And they're coming HERE!  And they aren't staying with me which means if I don't actually get around to picking up my room it's FINE!

Katie and her boyfriend Bill are headed this way for the weekend, but their debilitating cat allergies are keeping them away from my place.  But I get to see them, and that's exciting!

Puka says:  This was my evil plan all along...

Also, Bean-Meister-Flex will be present in the city!

So YAY for visitors!

What's not so YAY?

I just don't understand why people keep taking my money??

Money was going to be a little tight for these visits anyway because it's the beginning of the month.  After I pay my rent, I'm left with about $180 to pay a few small bills, get some groceries and survive the city on.  I have cut a bunch of stuff out of my budget to try to pad this at the beginning of the month.  I got rid of NetFlix because, seriously?  What a rip off!  $17 now for movies that are older than what I can get on OnDemand that I'm already paying for on my cable bill?  Yeah... I'm good.  I also cut out the gym and plan on getting a little work-out gear for at home workouts. 

So.  Um.  Why then did I still receive a charge on my card for... THE GYM AND NETFLIX?!?!

OK, Netflix "apparently" didn't "receive" the movie that I had borrowed from them.  Which.  Yeah right, dudes.  Whatever.  And it was Bridget Jones' Diary.  That movie is SEVERAL years old.  I highly doubt anyone paid anywhere close to $15 for that movie.  You go ahead and give me my money back, jerk faces.

The gym?  Well the gym was just being one giant bitch.  OK, here's how this went.  Around October 25th I sent an email to the only person that works at my gym who I have contact information for.  Her name is Arlene and she sends out the promotional emails each month.  She is also who I called when I transferred my membership from one location to the next.  She is ALSO the person that emailed me when I forgot to update my credit card information and my payment wasn't going through.  So one would imagine that this is who should be contacted to cancel a membership, no?

Good. God.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

I email Arlene just to ask if it was possible to freeze my account, how long I could do that for, and how much something like that might cost if anything.  Arlene informs me that I am able to freeze my account for a total of 3 months per year, and that there was a $9.95 charge each month for that service.  I decided it wasn't worth it to me to pay for something I couldn't use, just to see if I would miss it.  I haven't been to the gym in a month.  It's pretty safe to say I'm not lying in the fetal position each night crying out "GYM!  WHEREFORE ART THOU, GYM?!"  So yeah.  I told her thanks for the information, but we can go ahead an cancel my membership, and to please let me know what I needed to do, if anything further, to cancel. 

I hear nothing for a few days, and assume that it is something on her end that she had to do, and that she has no interest in continuing chatting with somebody that isn't paying her salary anymore.  Fine.

Except that on October 28th, a charge for $29.99 has been taken out of my account by Boom Fitness.

Um.  Que? 

So I email Arlene and say "Hi Arlene.  I had emailed last week saying that I'd like to cancel my membership, and just saw that there was a charge placed to my account for November's membership.  Just wondering if we can fix this and I can be reimbursed.  Let me know if there is anything I need to do."

I get this response:  "We do not accept cancellations via email.  I don't know where you sent your letter, but it was never received here.  You are responsible for any charges 30 days after the post-marked date on your letter."

Whoa, dude.  Seriously?

What letter??

30 days AFTER the post-marked date on the letter??  Then I need to send this letter, whatever it is, like... today!  I don't want to be charged for NEXT month too!

So I respond "Arlene,  I sent you an email 4 days ago stating that I wanted to cancel and to let me know what I needed to do, to which you never responded.  Could you please send me a list of information that needs to be included in the letter, as well as the address I need to send it to so that this isn't a problem for next month?"

This was on a Friday.  Monday was October 31st, and the very last day that I could send out the letter to ensure that I wasn't charged unnecessarily again.  I get this email:

"Connie, I have already sent you the cancellation instructions."

Whoa, bitch.  Do NOT play THIS game with me, because I will win! 

I send her an email back and say "Arlene, if you sent an email with the information I requested (what is to be included and the address), I unfortunately never received it.  Would you mind re-sending this information?"

Then I set to looking at the website which is less than helpful.  I have to download a copy of their .pdf class schedule just to find the phone number.  I call, get the number of the company that handles cancellations (because apparently they outsource this particular office function.  Stupid.) and call.  I find out that I have to write a letter with my membership number, which I don't have, to an address in Arkansas, where I don't live, in order to cancel a gym membership, which I don't use.

Oh, and by the way.  I HAVE to send it certified mail, which I will have to pay for.

You have GOT to be kidding me.

Whatever.  I write up the letter, I send it out that day via certified mail, and am golden.

I hear from Arlene on November 2nd.  She sends me all of the information I requested.


Had I waited for her response, I would have been liable to pay for another month of membership because December 1st would definitely fall within 30 days of November 1st. 

I didn't respond to her.

Then we had our staff conference here this week.  So I had to do a bunch of overtime and running around.  Which is great because it means I can expense cabs and food and whatnot.  But that also means that I have to front the money.  So with $180 to survive for 2 weeks, people stole $45, and then I spent $51 on expenses... I'm down to $2.85.  Which... yeah that does nothing for me.  What's super upsetting is that between reimbursements I will be receiving in the next couple days I will be getting $77.  If I don't receive this money by Friday though?  I'm sca-rude.  And I refuse to keep charging to my credit card because I never pay over my "budgeted" amount and I just feel like I'm NEVER gonna pay this stupid thing off, GAH!

But who knows.  Maybe it will all go through and all will be good.  Just, keep your fingers crossed for me, yeah? 

Thursday, November 3, 2011


So here's some stuff about nothing in particular.

Dear Old Crotchety Man on Wednesday Morning on the Subway,

Loudly yelling that "EXCUSE ME YOU ARE LEANING ON ME" after you shoved onto the train, which promptly shoved me face-first in the pole where I was wedged for the entire ride thankyouverymuch is not necessary, especially when "Sir, is there any space between your body and the pole you are holding onto?  Then I'm gonna have to go ahead and say that YOU are leaning on ME."  Asshole.

Dear Chick That Watched Me Shoved Face First Into A Pole at 8:30am,

Thanks for yelling at Old Crotchety Man and letting him know that I wasn't leaning on much of anything other than my nose leaning on the pole in front of me, and that this was ALL HIS FAULT and to leave me alone.  I feel that if we were in a situation where we could have been in any type of proximity to each other for a longer period of time, you and I would probably have discovered we are kindred spirits. 

Dear Joshy,

I love you.... just.... to pieces.  But you really got my blood boiling last night at happy hour when I asked why you would do something so scarring to the girl you had wanted to introduce me to just 3 days ago, and you told me not to be so naive. 

Here's the thing.  I'm not sure what, in this situation, makes either myself or the girl more naive than yourself.  You said she knew what you were like before she got involved, so it shouldn't surprise her at all that after weeks of spending time with her, coming clean about any other girls you had been seeing, and deciding that you were going to exclusively date her, you decide to get up early in the morning to go to help one of the most recent "other girls" move, EVEN after the current girl told you it would bother her.  She's naive to think that you wouldn't do that?  Doesn't it make you the same kind of naive for getting involved exclusively with someone that you knew before getting involved with her what SHE was like?  That she was a normal person looking for a normal relationship?  And that after you acted like it was heading in the normal relationship direction, she would assume that it was going to be a normal relationship?  But you opted not to believe that, and instead did what "you do". 

All I'm saying is this, you are both in the same boat, and you're upset about the outcome.  Yet you act like she has no reason to be upset in the same way.  And that's crazy.  It's not always the girl's fault, and I for one am tired of that being the case.  The reason I don't trust anyone ever is because I know that at the end of the day, if he hurts me, it's my own fault.  So why trust?

Just, do the world a favor and understand that it's FINE if you like no strings attached, or friends with benefits situations exclusively.  But that lifestyle comes with the responsibility of not getting involved past a certain point, and if you let a girl fall for you because you are actively becoming part of an exclusive situation with her, then you fail.

Love you anyway!

And lastly, this is something that I have only disclosed to a couple friends, but it still bothers me a lot.  And I feel like I'm being petty and stupid and annoying, but it's bumping around in my head and this week has been quite stressful as is. 

I'm.  Annoyed?

Angry a little maybe?




I don't know... all of the above?

My whole life has been about doing things "the right way".  I got good grades in high school and I didn't drink or smoke or sneak out of the house.  I didn't have sex.  I joined SADD and the school newspaper and got on teachers' good sides.  I had a core group of really phenomenal friends.

In college I was careful to be safe, and I was concerned about doing well.  I worked the whole way through, I was involved on campus, and I made sure I experienced college.  Yes I drank, but I did it safely and with friends around.  I didn't open any credit cards, and I had a savings account.  I didn't drop out, I didn't get pregnant.

The day after I graduated from College (a rather large accomplishment), my step sister had her wedding. I am her only sister.  I wasn't a bridesmaid.  She even had 2 bridesmaids drop out before the wedding and I still wasn't asked.  I stood and handed out programs.  My dad walked her down the aisle.  I was his first born, and his only biological daughter.  And I didn't get to be the first that he gave away.  Within a year of the wedding my sister had a baby, and just months after that she was leaving her husband. 

If I'm honest, it doesn't bother me SO MUCH that my dad gave her away first.  What bothers me is that she took away my opportunity to be the first one he gave away when it clearly wasn't that important to her if she could leave her husband a year later, for no apparent reason.  But whatever.  I put on a happy face, and didn't say anything because what could I possibly say??

Now I am living in NYC.  I have a nice apartment and a good job.  I haven't gotten pregnant.  I'm paying off debt left and right.  I have amazing friends.  I have goals.  I'm starting my own company.  I'm doing REALLY well.

But now?  My little sister - as in the girl that is almost 6 years younger than me - is pregnant.  Before she's married.  Her baby's father is a crack dealer and currently in jail.  My sister is living at home with my mom and step dad with no idea how she might take care of a baby but refusing to do the truly selfless thing of letting someone else raise the baby.

And again, my opportunity to have my mom's first real grandchild is taken away from me by someone that it's just not that important to.  Who wasn't careful.  Who has been reckless, even during this pregnancy. 

Maybe it would be different if I could see myself having these experiences at some point.  Maybe if I had a great guy by my side that I really wanted to get married to and start a family with, this wouldn't be so tough.  But there isn't anybody there.  And anybody that has ever been there has treated me rather brutally.  So while I can prop myself up on the stuff we were fed our whole lives as girls - that I have great friends, great family, a good job, and lots of great things in my life - I really WANT my dad to give me away.  I really WANT my mom to be excited about having her first grandchild from me.  And unfortunately, these things can't happen by having great friends, job, etc. 

I feel jipped.  And I don't want to feel jipped.  I want to be happy for my sisters.  And excited.  I want to look forward to weddings and babies and becoming an aunt.  And instead I just feel bitter.  And that's not fair to anyone.

And again, I could do the whole pick-myself-up-and-dust-myself-off and DO something about the fact that I'm not dating anyone.  But all options I am faced with seem far worse than being single for the rest of my life.

I've done online dating before.  I'd much rather die.  I want a story.  I don't care if it's "we grew up together" or "we met at a mutual friend's birthday dinner" or "I bumped into him at the local bar".  But ANYTHING seems better than "So, I was perusing Match.com's lists of photo shopped pictures, when his just JUMPED out at me, so I winked, and he flirted, and after 5 emails and 2 phone calls and numerous text messages we met for a drink, and fell in love!"  Death.  Just... no.  This is very much like my view on church.  I get that it works for some people, but this does not work for me.  I am not fulfilled by this.

I am one of the most social people I know.  I am constantly out.  I go to bars on the weekends, I am out walking around the city every day.  I go to the grocery store, and would LOVE to say I met him in the produce section.  I bike ride.  I go to restaurants.  I meet friends of friends.  I smile!  I take people up on opportunities to try new things. 

But please understand that I am 100% serious that, when I look around, I am horrified by my options.  This is a joke, right?  THIS is who I get to pick from to procreate with??  Good. Lord. No.

I told Ana last night that I had found her brother and his colleague to be adorable... but people like that are NOT at this bar!

I think I'm a bit of a control freak, and knowing that I don't have control over who I will meet when drives me a little crazy.  I'm not much of a procrastinator, so when I want something done, I typically get it done.  You can't just... get a relationship done... ya know?  I also have noticed that I feel victimized in a lot of situations, which I talked to Gia about. 

By the way, my fall TV line up does SOME good.  While watching Revenge, the therapist said "as long as you feel like the victim in your relationships, you have no reason for them to do anything but end badly" or something along those lines.  So maybe I need to take a bit more control of my personal relationships?  Stop feeling like people are constantly taking and stealing from me.  If I don't like something, I don't have to actively participate in it, and I can leave.  I always have an out.  So maybe that more empowering feeling will help me be more comfortable "taking a chance" on someone.  Because it's not that great of a risk.  There is the risk of letting somebody come into my life, but I can always shove them back out again if they are undeserving.  It just needs to be on my terms.  Not, after they walk all over me and abandon me and then try to come back, THAT'S when I assert myself.  No, no.  The minute they push me too far, that's when I need to take control of the situation.  Maybe that will work.  Who knows.  It's exhausting.

I'm not entirely sure how to end this post because these are just things that I needed to "get down on paper" and out of my head.  So I'll leave you with this:

Last night?  Flo found a cockroach on her bed.  A big one.  Like.  2 inches long.  I thought it was a brown praying mantis at first.  So tonight?  I'll be at home scrubbing the crap out of my apartment.