Friday, February 25, 2011

So I'm Progressing Nicely Right On Into Anger...

So here's the thing about me.  I have emotions just like everybody else.  What I'm realizing is that I display them in COMPLETELY different ways.  For example:  my hurt feelings come off as uncaring and cold, rather than crying and yelling.  I've done a very small amount of research on this whole grief cycle thing so that I can figure out when the HELL I'm actually going to be able to accurately judge what I am really feeling about this whole DJ thing.  This is the chart I like best:

So You've all been with me through the Shock and Denial stage, which was pretty awesome.  The traveling, the pretending this wasn't REALLY happening.  Being totally numb to all feelings because I had shut down, and then blaming every single issue we have ever had and the entire break-up on the DJ. (Actually, I'm still doing that one.  Because really?  I am, in fact, perfect.  And had nothing to do with this whole stupid thing.  HUMPH.)

It appears that I may be a bit of an over-achiever too since the whole Dialogue and Bargaining thing has come in to play pretty much since the beginning.  I think in some cases I wanted somebody to tell me just how awful he really was and I was totally OK to feel the way I was feeling.  I also wanted SOMEBODY, ANYBODY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, to talk some sense into him.  Which I knew wasn't possible.  And isn't really what I want, because I want him to decide for himself what he wants, rather than being guilted into coming back to me.  Which I am not sure anymore is what I really want.  Which is great. (<~~ Heavy on the sarcasm.)

I'm also experiencing a bit of the Depression and Detachment.  I've used the word "blah" in far too many emails about far too many different topics.  Also?  I am just exhausted!  All I want to do is sleep.  I can't wait to get home at night after work and I've been going to bed HOURS before I usually do.  I don't really feel overwhelmed or helpless, but those two qualities are really not in my vocabulary usually anyway.

That's kind of where my over-achieving stops.  I have CERTAINLY not come anywhere near touching Acceptance with a 10 foot pole, and Returning to a Meaningful Life is like some fairytale way off in the distance riding on a unicorn into the sunset. 

But this Anger thing.  This is serious.  Funny thing is, my anger is only a little bit directed at the DJ.  Mostly, it's directed at work.  Which is weird because I LOVE work!  I'm still excited to come in every day.  I love getting dressed to come into the office... except for today which I will get to... and it's also directed to the general public of New York City.  (Sorry about that, kids.)

Let's just take this from the top, shall we?

So I'm going home today to my Mom's house which is really exciting!  So I wake up this morning, with the distinct plan to get up, get everything together, and head out early enough to grab my paycheck before getting to work.  Then I hear it.  A car drives by my window with the distinct sound of.... Rain. Rain is my arch nemesis, Snow's, cousin.  We are also not friends.  First, my room was not sufficiently lit up since it was so gloomy outside.  Which made it harder to get out of bed. 

Then I get up, and I'm getting ready.  I'm feeling pretty efficient, and while my straightener is heating up, I put out extra bowls of food and water for Puka.  I put my lunch in my purse.  I get dressed.  Wow, nice!  All I have to do is my hair and make-up, put those last few items in my weekend bag and head out!  YAY! 
This goes smoothly until I try to get my aunt's sweatshirt that has been at my apartment for months awaiting delivery into my weekend bag.  It won't fit.  OK, no problem.  I drape it over the top of the weekend bag, I grab my handbag, put on my coat, say goodbye to Puka and head out. 


HELLO!?!  Huge handbag??  Weekend Bag!!  Umbrella! Wallet!!  I'm way out of hands and definitely out of patience... and I've walked across the street to the subway.  I had walked to the far side of the staircase so I wasn't in anybody's way and I could wrap up my umbrella, hang it from my wrist, dig out my wallet, get out my subway card, and get myself back together before getting to the platform.  There's a staircase and a half open.  I am blocking the FURTHEST side, and my stop is not THAT busy.  Nope.  2 dumbasses STILL feel the need to bump into me, and give ME dirty looks.  LOOK ASSHATS!  You have a staircase and a half to use!  It's not MY fault you decided to use this side of this staircase!

I finally get to the platform and am struggling to hold my weekend bag in my left hand and shove my wallet back into my over-stuffed handbag as the train pulls in.  A guy in maybe his 30s has seen me struggling the whole way down the platform.  Do you think he would let me get into the train first because:
1) I am a female
2) I have a lot of stuff to situate
3) I am closest to the door anyway

?  Really, any of those seem like good reasons to me.  NO!  This jerkwad cuts me off and shoves onto the train in front of me and then just STANDS IN THE WAY OF THE DOOR. 

People.  In 5 minutes I've gone from Problem Solver Extraordinaire to crazy woman with steam actually coming out of my ears and a death wish upon 3 people.

I squeeze around him and find a spot close to a pole to hold on to.  Somehow I make it to Bryant Park, where I attempt to change trains.  I am cut off by no less than 5 people just trying to get up the steps that are 3 feet from the train door.  I make it down the long corridor, but my grip on my weekend bag is getting pretty painful.  because I had to sling the sweatshirt over it, I can't slip the handles up to my elbow to relieve my hand.  I get to the end of the corridor, and I wait for an opening to cut across on-coming foot traffic to get down to the next platform.  I should have just shoved my way over.  This woman STILL purposely walks directly into me and kicks my weekend bag that I now have in my right hand, and am walking with a heck of a lean.  It is not a sexy pimp-walk that I posses.  I know that I am walking down the steps on the left side.  I know this is annoying, because it drives me crazy that people don't use basic foot-traffic rules.  "Hi, here in America, we walk on the RIGHT side!"  This woman watches me coming down the steps with my bags and umbrella and holding on to the handrail for dear life and FORCES her way up on the same side.  I have to side shuffle and readjust all my bags mid-staircase because she wants to use that side.  FINE. WHATEVER.

Let's just cut to, I finally make it to the office.  I'm a sweaty mess.  It appears that my umbrella did very little, as my hair, my weekend bag, the sweatshirt, my coat and my handbag are all soaked.  Awesome.

I watch the rain all morning, trying to judge when I should go get my paycheck.  I decided this morning that it did NOT make sense to try to get it on the way to work.  Good call on my part.  So the rain just isn't letting up.  I trudge downstairs at around 1:20pm.  I walk to the train, I go to 48th street.  I get my paycheck and inquire one more time about my damn W2s that still haven't come in the mail.  There are no suggestions.  I should probably just not file taxes, and see how that works out.  I come back.  I go to the bank, and come back to the office.  I walk in at 1:58.  Guess what time it stops raining.  2PM.  Just. Stops. Raining. 

You will not be able to convince me that the universe does not have it out for me.

Also, on my way back from picking up my check?  A woman with NO bags, and only holding an umbrella with tons of space to her right, just stared me down and insisted upon walking on the left side of the sidewalk.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

And the phone calls I've received today!  "Hello, so-and-so's office..... No they are not available right now, would you like to leave them a voicemail?..........................................................................................."

OK people look.  It's a voicemail.  It's not a marriage proposal, it's not a major life decision.  Plus, your secret's out!  They can already see your phone number on their received calls list!  They know you've called!  And leaving a voicemail does not mean telling ME what the message is!  This is not 1975.  I am not a secretary.  I'm an executive assistant.  My assistance means pushing the "iDivert" button on the phone to send you to their voicemail.  Or I can transfer you to somebody else.  That's as far as I go.  No I don't know how long he might be on the phone.  No I don't know how long she might be out grabbing a sandwich.  It doesn't matter much to me that you are returning a call, because I wasn't there to hear the original call.  So I don't know why you're calling back.  And how many assistants do YOU know that can give you specific information about specific deals?  If I could do that, I WOULDN'T BE AN ASSISTANT!  I'd be an analyst, making double my salary.  Thanks for that little reminder.

Also, no problem if you want to just try back.  But I don't care when you are going to try.  "I'll try back in 5 minutes.  If they aren't there, then I'll try back in 15.  I'll also follow up with an email... AND A GREETING CARD TO THEIR MOTHER!"  I don't care!  Great, talk to you in 5!  BYE!

And Accounts Payable can kiss my butt for all their stupid questions.  "What is the invoice number?"  You mean the number that I wrote next to the heading Invoice Number?  The same one on the actual invoice you have sitting in front of you right next to where it says Invoice Number?  Yet the same number that is actually the SUBJECT OF THIS EMAIL?!  Please tell me you aren't getting paid more than me.  Please.

What I would like to point out is that I have had an excessive amount of anger all day.  A day that, really, has just been a regular day here in New York.  People are rude and pushy during their morning commute.  Nobody cares that you decided to travel, or that you opted to bring all this bag-ness with you during rush hour.  And it is their damned God-given right to walk on whatever side of the staircase/ walkway/ sidewalk they please!  And you can either fight them on it, or you can just DEAL with it.  I, apparently, have chosen anger.

And I know all that office stuff happens in every office.  And usually I laugh it off, or just make fun of the people silently in my head... and ALL the voices laugh and laugh...

But lately?  NO!  Anger! Frustration!  GRRRRR and the gnashing of teeth!

Luckily, I have people that send me funny pictures of their dogs to brighten up these dark days. 

Hi.  I am Kaia.  I have a mohawk because my mommy is CRAZY, yall.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I fail... a lot...

Last night I skipped the gym.  Like, tried all day to convince myself to go, and then failed.  Just failed all over the place.

But it's cool, because I went to Terri's house and we had fun making her apartment girlie!  I do not presently have pictures because most of the time it was Terri and/or myself in some really awkward position trying to tape the tiny area between her baseboard and her AC unit, while lying on the floor between her bed and the wall... or Terri standing on stools in front of windows and doorways and posing...

But anyway she painted the back wall of her studio apartment a really pretty violet/lavender color and her bathroom HOT PINK!  The bathroom SCREAMS... no... SHRIEKS girl!  It is awesome!  And works with the white tile and gray grout.  The back wall in lavender is fantastic and really makes her place look like home!  But you will never know any of this for real because I have no pictures. <-- Fail.

I did compensate for not going to the gym by eating Terri's delicious cooking that was really healthy!  Steamed veggies, brown rice and chicken in fat-free cream of mushroom soup.  Um, delish!  And so healthy!  Today I continued that with a bowl of Special-K cereal with the dehydrated strawberries.  Honestly?  The strawberries kind of freak me out because once you put milk on the cereal they get soft and more strawberry-like.  Which... I mean... you are reHYDRATING them, I guess, so it makes sense.  But it's weird!  But really good so I just go with it.  And then for lunch I had a salad and I bought grapes instead of something deliciously pastry or chocolate related.  This is where it all went downhill.

I paid..... $4.29... for grapes.  $4.29?!  Are you kidding me?!  I can get a whole bunch of them for like... what... $5 or $6 at the grocery store?! 

I'm now eating Hershey's Milk Chocolate Miniatures.  I've given up.  And these were free!  <-- Fail.

Speaking of Hershey (see how I did that with the transitioning?  MAN I'm good at this!)...

I'm going home this weekend.  My mommy bought me direct trains to and from home because apparently I am being spoiled with chubby conductors and cushy seats.  And I couldn't be happier about it.

Our goal for this weekend?  To go to Michael's.  You may remember this was my goal LAST weekend and I... failed...

But this weekend?  THIS weekend I have mommy around to do the motivating!  And the driving... because I still think I'm probably not good at it.  I was considering, if my sister was around, maybe asking her to go for a drink with me.  But I feel like maybe testing out my driving skills, after 2 years of really not using them, to go to a BAR may really not be the best idea.  I'll let you know how that goes.  But if this post is any indication, I'll probably FAIL.  In my mom's car which would make that a DOUBLE FAIL.

But yes, it's another weekend where I get to distract myself from my actual life.  I swear, once the warmer weather hits I'll stay in the city and enjoy it.  But for now, with this being a "walking" city, I just am really not enjoying it the way I should. (Fail?)  So... it's in the future plans... When I don't have to wear 16 layers just to walk to the Duane Reade, and then sit on the heater to defrost upon my return.

Maybe I'll get Puka a leash for the spring and take her out with me.... Or is that sad like the people that dress up their dogs and put them in strollers and pretend they are their kids, since they don't actually have any?  Hmmm... I'll leave you with this since apparently you guys LURVE the pictures!

This is Puka.  This is my hip.  This is Puka literally attached to my hip.

I miss her so much it actually hurts.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My weekend and OOOO pictures!

So I'm going to give you an overview of my long weekend, but first I have been promising pictures of the home make-over I've been doing for a couple weeks, and so will do that first.  Please keep in mind that this is NOT BY ANY MEANS a typical New York City apartment, and that if the DJ wasn't forced to pay half of the rent I could absolutely not afford this place at all.  In fact, I still may not be able to afford it... I digress... PICTURES!  Yay!

This is the only pre-make-over picture I took because I was totally embarrassed by the FILTH I was apparently living in!


This is taken from the same angle as above.  I changed where the couch was, and removed some pictures from the walls.

These are the pictures I decided to stick with, and they inspired the color scheme that is not yet actually present in the room.  But the lining on the curtains (in the above picture) match the blue color in the pictures, and I will be getting or making some blue throw pillows.

Facing the front door from the little desk in the corner.  Look at all that space!  That's like the size of a NORMAL NYC apartment! (seriously.)

Bedroom.  That's the new clock and artwork, and please ignore the fact that my bed is lower than my tiny night stand.  The mattress and boxspring are sitting on the floor presently... Puka still has to assess the height before she jumps.  She's not really a cat.

Taken from on top of my short little bed.  There's the other artwork and the dresser I am going to try to snazzify.  More on that in a few pictures...

Also?  There is the TV that the DJ refused to hook up.  Please notice DirecTV box and the Kardashians presently pictured on said TV.

I ask you.  How in the WORLD did I only use one of these closets while the DJ was here?!  Look at all those clothes!

My Kitchen.  I moved the table to the middle of the kitchen so 1) It was usable and 2) the kitchen is SO BIG and I really don't need that much space.  Seriously.  So spoiled in this place!

I would like to point out that I have candlesticks in the kitchen and the living room and have never lit either set.  I just think they're pretty.

Just the other angle.  Not a whole long changed in here besides the table and removing the kitchen couch (don't ask.)

The couch that had been in the kitchen is now in the bedroom and pictured in the second bedroom picture.  I plan on getting a slip cover for it if I can find one that costs less than the couch originally did.   Presently?  No luck.
Have no fear, the bar has stayed mostly intact!

Not much changed here.  This is an attempt to let you see my pretty shower curtain :)

This is about as creative as I've gotten in the bathroom. 

Please notice NO HAIR IN THE SINK OF ANY KIND.  And she will stay that way.

So this is the pattern I want to use for the dresser.  I plan to get decorative paper and decoupage it onto the front panels, maybe the sides or the top of both the dresser and the night stand.  I want this pattern in Black and white/cream.  Apparently, I am asking too much.  Now I'm sure you are all saying "I've seen that pattern everywhere, it can't be that hard to find!" and you would be wrong.  Because it is nowhere to be found.  NOWHERE.  help me.
I also found this paper.  Which I liked very much.  But it was pink and brown.  And that doesn't work.  The accent colors in my room are yellow, orange and red.  Pink and brown will not work.  WHY DOES NOBODY DO THE SIMPLE BLACK AND WHITE ANYMORE?!

And before you ask, yes I am checking Kate's Paperie after I visit Michael's which I did not do this past weekend as planned because I am LAZY and it got COLD again and I didn't WANNA.

If you have any other suggestions (websites, personal friends with connections to the pretty paper mob, whatever), PLEASE let me know, as my sanity is currently on the line.

So.  Long weekend.  YAY!  After beer Friday (on Fridays in this office we have beer and snacks from 5pm until 6, or whenever we realize we're too drunk to still be at work, OR or until the Cheetos run out.) I went home.  I just went home.  I got into sweats, I had some dinner and layed around.  I got some calls to go out, but I wasn't interested.  Hind-sight?  Yeah, definitely should have gone out!  That was the last really warm day!  63 degrees?!  I could have gone with a light jacket!  In FEBRUARY!  But no, I sat at home with Puka.

This is taken at a weird angle because she was laying on the back of my thighs... so it's kind of upside down.  But yes, she is still staying THISCLOSE at all times.

So Saturday we stayed in bed together watching crappy TV until about noon.  We got up and paid some bills.  Watched some crappy TV.  Then I did laundry.  HOLY LAUNDRY MOUNTAIN BATMAN!

I did every sheet, towel, and piece of clothing in the entire house.  My big laundry cart could barely handle it.  But I washed, dried and folded EVERYTHING in 2 hours.  Which I think is pretty impressive. 

Sunday I did nothing.  Because I am lazy.  Also?  I was having some trouble dealing with the fact that it really is just me and Puka in the apartment now.  This weekend was the first time that I just DEALT with it.  I've been distracting myself with friends and traveling and going out and running errands and keeping myself out of the house.  This weekend it really hit hard and I pretty much had a cry-fest on Sunday.  I thought I had cried every tear in my ever loving body.  But no, clearly not.  The kind of sobbing ensued that actually woke Puka from her deep deep slumber, and caused her to come nuzzle me for a while.  My Aunt called, then my mom called.  She could tell it was a rough weekend for me and decided that I should come home next weekend.  I went with it because I could no longer make decisions for myself. 

Monday I had pulled myself together.  I slept in, but got up and showered and put on make up and got dressed!  It was wonderful!  Except...


That's right.  I woke up to SNOW on my day off!  The audacity!  Stupid groundhog with it's "Spring in 4 weeks" crap.  Puka and I stayed huddled under blankets all afternoon.  I tried to tell myself that I was going to Michael's to check for the pretty paper.  Yeah.  I was NOT going to Michael's.  It's on the Upper West Side!  97th street is FAR!  Plus I had plans to get my nails done at 5 with Mandy from work.

So I did that.  And I went to Duane Reade and spent far too much money.  But I got a mani/pedi AND an eyebrow wax!  I'm starting to feel human again which is quite the relief.  Also?  On my way home, I saw an old lady asleep on the subway.  Cute?  No.  Her dentures were very nearly falling out of her mouth.  Like dangerously.  I mean... EW.  Those are expensive and if they fall out on the subway, how do you react?  You can't possibly just pop them back in.  But do you keep them?  Soak them in bleach?  But then that can't be healthy to put back in your mouth.  I don't feel like that denture cleaner stuff would get SUBWAY off of them over night... I was all kinds of worked up, and I would have woken her up and alerted her to the situation, but I was at my stop.  Am I evil for not?

And then I had all you can eat Pasta from Leahy's (the pub I live over).  All YOU can eat and all I can eat are 2 very different things.  Because I can only eat 1 bowl of pasta.  And it will take me an hour.  But I did get to meet a lovely old Irish guy named Barry who taught me lots about the heritage I know, apparently, very little about. 

What did I leave out... there's something... o right I had multiple conversations with the DJ about nothing in particular where he told me I should visit twice.  I do not plan to.  I'm taking this as an emotional laps and I need to get ahold of myself, woman!  ... except that then I emailed him a funny video today because I didn't think anybody else would fully appreciate it, and it feels unnatural to not share things with him because it's what I want to do and I'm tired of fighting myself on everything.  And no I don't know if I really want to try with him again, but I do know I miss him like crazy and it's not getting easier.  And this could just be the mourning period or it could be real life this is the guy I should be with and I just need to give it time.  I don't know, I'm confused, I'm completely lost, and from what I'm seeing and hearing I think he's feeling the same way.  And I really am trying to stay away and give myself time to heal and get myself together (woman!) but it's HARD and I don't LIKE it.

I'm done rambling now.  Hope the pictures were all you hoped and dreamed for!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Cake Nights and Long Weekends... this is what Happy Connies are made of!

Months ago my friend Miranda posted on her Facebook page that she loved that "when [I] sit down with a sheet cake and a fork, [my] roommate doesn't judge [me], she just grabs a fork and joins in."  This sparked a small amount of jealousy in me because I haven't had a roommate since the year after college.  And the DJ in all his muscly glory wasn't going to sit down and have cake with me!  PA-LEASESo, I told her that I wanted to have a cake night some time.

We did.  It was fabulous, in many many different ways.  There were a bunch of us girls sitting around yellow cake with cream cheese frosting topped with strawberries, forks in hand.  In one fluid movement we all dug in, throwing caution and judgements to the wind and ate that cake.  And it felt good.  Real good. 

So now, when we have a stressful day or week... month... year... life... all of the above?... We plan a cake night.  Last night was just Miranda and I.  I bought a yellow cake, vanilla frosting for the layer and rainbow chip frosting for the top.  We made some dinner (elbow macaroni and  bolognese... I'm almost out of food.  It's a sad state of affairs.) and settled in to catch Miranda up on some SERIOUS Jersey Shore action.  Then it was on to The Fashion Police which I'm pretty sure I hooked Miranda on.  Oh the snark, and Kelly Osborn being uncomfortable with tween body parts and "balls suffocating"... it was a glorious rehashing of the Grammys!  It was at about this time that Miranda looked at me and said "... I think I'm ready for some cake."

The Cake.  'Tis beautiful, no?
 And again, with reckless abandon we dug into the cake.  We made serious dents in our respective sides of the cake.  And suddenly?  All the crap, all the bullshit, all of the fighting and crying and stress and bitterness and uncertainty melted away into moist, sugary fantastic-ness and we were at peace.  We watched Ronny and Samantha's relationship crumble, and Vinny be hilarious with dog poop and just basked in the relaxation of it all.

And we saw Britney Spears' new WORLD PREMIER MUSIC VIDEO, which, honestly? Does MTV even play music videos anymore?  Also?  This was the worst music video ever.  There was Britney in this, like, 4 story tall wedding gown, just singing.  Then there are 2 Britneys kicking the crap out of each other.  Then there was a flash to her "Hit Me Baby One More Time" (a.k.a. the pedophile's theme song) video which was weird.  And then this different colored ink starts coming out of these tubes attached to her hands and she's spraying ink all over the wedding gown, and then they're all in a heap on the ground.  And THEN there's this whole dance segment, which royally blows because she doesn't even dance anymore!  Seriously, pumping your arms and a body roll do not a dance routine make.  That was pathetic.

Miranda rolled out around midnight.  And then I caught up with ... we'll call him "The Director" via Skype.  Which was nice.  Because it was nice to have a CONVERSATION with a guy where he seemed interested in what was going on with me, and it was reciprocated by me.  Let's not talk about the sexual tension because I can't handle it right now.  But it was a video chat, so flirting is limited, thank GOD.  (You know.  Unless I wanted to get NAKED or something.  But.  Just.  GOD NO!)  (And that's not so much flirting as slutty.)  But it was nice. 

So this weekend is a long weekend.  WOOOOOOOOO!  I'm very excited for the sleeping in, and the relaxing and the getting things done.  On my to-do list is Laundry and Grocery Shopping, mani/pedi and a trip to Michael's.  All pretty do-able over 3 days.  This is my first weekend alone in the apartment so there will be that to tackle...I'll be ok though... right?

Monday, February 14, 2011

For the Holy Love of God...

Last week was... just... there are no words.  1st, I suck at posting.  I suck at posting pictures about past weekends, or telling wild stories.  I suck at ranting about things that are bothering me in the moment because I want my posts to come across as well thought out and written and blah blah blah.  Funny story.  NONE OF THAT HAPPENS IF YOU POST NOTHING AT ALL.  Ridiculous.

So here we go.  A catch-up to my so-called life of total insanity.

PART 1:  2 Weekends Ago

So I traveled to Phoenixville, Pennsylvania 2 weekends ago.  I was visiting my college friends who I miss dearly!  I was staying with Alyssa and her current squatter/ best roomie ever Kate.  OF COURSE Megabus was running behind schedule, causing me to miss the 9:19 train by about 7 minutes and then having to wait or the 10:19 train.  And OF COURSE that train was running behind schedule because instead of arriving at my train stop at 11pm, it was more like 11:15pm.  But none of this matters.  Because Alyssa?  Was having a scandalous rendezvous with her co-worker that made for a very fun car ride home! 

Alyssa showed up about 10 minutes after I arrived.  In that time a really nice couple, who was waiting for their college-age daughter and her boyfriend to arrive on the next train, asked me if I needed a ride/phone call/ chaperon... soooo sweet!  People don't do that shit in NYC.  Oh you're alone and cold looking late at night?  You'll be aiight...

So that night Alyssa and I have a girls night complete with chatting and cheeze balls.  It was really lovely just catching up.  The next day we ran a few errands, I bought a pillow for my up-coming home make over at Homegoods, a store I could literally spend weeks in and never get sick of! 

And that night we met up with MY old and bestest roomie Katie and company.  I say Katie and company because she came trailing about 15+ people to the bar.  Kate (not to be mistaken with Katie... 2 very different people.) and Alyssa and I had dinner.  I had soup and a salad, paired with a Blue Moon.  It was fabulous.  From there we did a Dr. Pepper shot together (Half of a light beer with a shot of amaretto dropped into it and chugged.  Tastes just like Dr. Pepper).  Then I opted to go for a double grape vodka and sprite.  It tasted like Koolaid.  I feel like you know where this is going already...

2 more double grape vodka and sprites, and Alyssa, Kate and I decide it's time to hit the road.  Why?  Not really sure.  Katie had already broken her camera trying to take a super hot picture of our kind of similar black boots.  We are the crazy.  We all planned to meet at Club 212 later, which is apparently Phoenixville's premiere dance club venue.  I was excited!

Taken at a crazy angle because I?  Was not sober.

First, Kate, Alyssa and I ventured over to... another bar whose name I cannot remember.  We went upstairs and got YET ANOTHER DOUBLE VODKA AND SODA from the bartender that looked like a squishy Jake Gyllenhaal.  He was fantastic.  His shirt said "To our wives, our girlfriends... may they never meet" which I found hilarious for some reason.  Because that?  Is not all that cool if you really think about it.  And not even REALLY think about it, more like if you just read the damn shirt it's clear that is not OK.  But funny ha ha because I was 1 shot, 1.5 beers and about 3 MILLION VODKA DRINKS deep at that point.

And onward we went.  To club 212.  After I talked to friend Mike on the phone while I peed, which is SOO not something I do.  Ew.  Bathroom time is alone time.  Anyway.  Club 212.  I buy our round of single drinks because, ya know, we don't wanna get TOO crazy with all the doubles and whatnot.  The round costs the same as 1 martini in midtown.  I am elated.  We go upstairs where I dance like nobody's watching.  Seriously.  And all the girls didn't like me and I'm not sure why.  Because I?  Was so uninterested in any male figure in that whole place.  But alas, the girls did not like me.  I got dirty looks.  Maybe I was obviously drunk and they were disgusted by me?  Doubtful.  Because the drunk Connie is the fun Connie!  Or at least one version of the fun Connie.  Katie and company couldn't get into Club 212 because they have a hardcore dress code, yo.  Apparently, no Timberland boots allowed.  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  We're in phoenixville in the WINTER!  Boots are necessary, get over yourselves.

Anyway, we stumbled home, and ate some cheeze balls and Kate says that Alyssa and I fell asleep pretty much as soon as we touched the couch.  The next day I came back to New York City.  To an empty apartment because the DJ was gone until Monday night when he would return to pack-up and move-out all of his things.....

PART 2: The DJ

This has been pretty awful, kids.  The breakup with the DJ, in my opinion, was always stupid.  But as you can probably tell, has gotten spiteful and hurtful over the last month.  Things have been said and done that can't be taken back.  Hurt has been impacted by insults.  No communication.  Just... horrific. 

Monday night the DJ, his brother and their friend were packing up the apartment.  Clearly I was upset because, after all of the stupid hurtfulness of the situation, I still love the DJ.  He's who I saw/see myself growing old with.  He's who I wanted around forever.  With other guys, they were people that would have been fine to be with forever.  But the DJ was WHO I wanted, specifically.  At 3:30 in the morning I was woken up by the DJ next to my bed.  We started talking and I started bawling.  We told each other things that we should have said a long time ago.  We explained ourselves.  We didn't make excuses.  We apologized.  We told each other we loved each other and missed each other.  We spent the last night together in our bed.  The next morning we said we would talk, and that the things that were already in motion (i.e. him moving out) would have to keep going that way.  We told each other we loved each other again, and I left for work.

We talked the next day for about 2 more hours.  We rehashed things.  I cried more.  We both said we don't know if we can forgive or get over the way things had been in the last month.  We both remember the good times and that we feel like we have something special, but is it worth the risk of this maybe happening again?  We don't know.  We decided to take this time apart to figure out what we want.  So the future is still really undecided, and the present is still really painful.

Work this week hasn't helped that...

PART 3: The Office (but less funny, if you can imagine that.)

So I'm still new at my office.  I'm still learning the ropes, and we are an international company so there's a lot to learn about outside of the office.  Unfortunately, my mentor, Craig, has been unavailable the last couple of weeks.  He was out for a week because his mother was ill.  He returned to work 2 weeks ago for a few days, but unfortunately his mother passed away mid-week, and he had to go back to Oklahoma.  So I was on my own AGAIN.  This time for a week and a half.  In the middle of planning travel for more than half of my office to AUSTRALIA for a big conference.  This is a list of how my week went.

1) Hi Evelyn, this is Connie.  I'm calling to book travel for....
2) Hi Evelyn, it's Connie again.  Just need to book one more person
3) You need a conference room for when?  Got it.
4) OK, no problem, I'll cancel that room.
5) Oh, you need that room again?  No problem... oops, wait, no more rooms available.
6) OK, time for a to-do list.  This is out of control.
8) Who is coming from the other office?  THE HEAD OF OUR GLOBAL DEPARTMENT?!
9) Um.. hi there... I had no idea you were coming today.  No problem, Let me find you a computer, chair, desk, etc. because we HAVE NOTHING LEFT DUE TO 40 EXTRA PEOPLE BEING IN THE OFFICE TODAY!
10) Print
11) Print
12) Print
13) Hi Evelyn, it's Connie.  I need to completely cancel that trip and reschedule it from a different city and a different time and a different airline.
14) Hi, Car service?  Great.  I need to book 12 cars.  Oh, shoot you an email? Okey dokey.
15) What do you mean my request wasn't clear, car service? 
16) Hi Evelyn, I need to book 4 more people's travel and change 1.
17) Hi, Car Service,  It's Connie again.
18) I have booked that meeting room for you.  Oops, no?  Don't need it now. OOOOOOKey dokey.
19) No, I don't know when that invoice will be paid
20) Binding.
21) Continue trying to set up new employees from an office that is not mine, where everything has to go through Sydney anyway, where there are much more experienced people working.
22) FedEx Blackberries to new mystery people
25) The printer is out of ink?  Oh, ALL the printers are out of ink!  Greeeeaaaatttt!!
26) Paper jam.
27) Paper Jam.
30) Hi Evelyn?  I need to book travel for 2 people that aren't even from my company, let alone people that I actually support.  And I'm booking it for someone in my company who wants these people to attend, but clearly THAT guy's assistant is too busy... I dunno... sitting on her thumb, to do it herself!
31) Set up meeting
32) What do you mean the car is on location??  I'm looking and there is NO CAR HERE!
34) Oh just FORGET the car!  He got a cab
35) Hi, Connie?  I'm boarding a plane to Sydney in 30 minutes from JFK and I forgot my wallet on my desk.  Can you get that to me by tomorrow Sydney time? 
36) HA!  FedEx is AWESOME!
37) What do you MEAN you can't make calls from your Blackberry in Australia?!
38) Email the ENTIRE TECH SERVICE TEAM GLOBALLY in a panic that causes several sweet but concerned emails to be returned instructing me that I emailed "quite a large group of people" and in the future I should just "email your IT Service Desk there in New York..." complete with smiley faces at the end of their sentences. But you know what?  DUDE CAN MAKE CALLS FROM AUSTRALIA NOW!

I was losing my shit by the end of last week.  But Craig is back now, and all is right with the world again.  I mean, look?  I have time to write this monstrosity!

PART 4: Last Weekend

Last weekend was a bit more calm that the previous 3.  I was home.  Friend Gia was in town.  Thursday night I met up with her and her friend Margaret for dinner at Les Halles.  Margaret trains hotel staff on hotel software and basically gets to stay in super swank hotels and get free stuff and it's fabulous.  Friday night, Gia and I went out for my first taste of Indian food, and people?  I'm in love!   I had Chicken Tikka Masala (I think...) with a crispy chicken salad and a crab and shrimp cake for an appetizer.  For dessert was this Delicious mango mousse which didn't sound great but it was wonderful!  MMmmmmmm...

Saturday I got my cable all hooked up.  Even in the bedroom on the TV that the DJ REFUSED to hook up because it wasn't HD and some such nonsense.  Whatever.  I have cable in my bedroom now, bitches.

Also, Gia and I took a trip to Century 21, a huge discount store much like Homegoods, except on crack.  I got curtains, clocks, artwork, a can opener, a sponge holder, fantastic!  So far, the living room and the bedroom are pretty well completed.  Now it's just adding and embellishing.  But they are totally scrubbed clean and rearranged.  The place looks huge and clean and put together.  It's fantastic.  My bedroom is now French Fashion themed and girlie.  The kitchen and bathroom are the next projects.  I'm hoping to have it all done and be able to return to the gym this week.  I hate feeling unsettled and that's basically what I've been feeling for the last month.  Now the apartment feels like mine, and it's very grown up.

I watched the Grammys last night and just LOVED it!  The performances were great, aside from the apparent audio issues.  Rhianna probably should have chosen a different backdrop for her performance with Drake, as fire was SO 5 minutes ago.  I really almost cried when Eminem won for Best Rap Album of the Year.  I don't know, I like him!  In all of his anger and fury and I was just so happy for him.  Also? Excessive wine may have been involved.  Also discovered that it was Mumford & Sons that I love and didn't realize it.  JLo and Marc Anthony pretty much secured with everyone that their marriage is weird and not funny.  Nicki Minaj looked like Cruela Devil gone wrong.  And Usher REALLY needed to shave.  I LOVE AWARDS SEASON!

One day, I would like to plan one of these events.  I think it would just be so fantastic!  Plus I could totally cry to Eminem about how great I think he is and really freak him out which would be awesome.

So there it is people.  My week in something much larger than a nutshell. I'll leave you with this picture... It's of Puka who has been just incredibly cuddly lately.  I can't decide if she feels lonely and misses the other 2 members of our past household, or if she can tell I'm a big bag of emotions and need her love.  But she has opted to stay THISCLOSE to me at all times...

It's OK, Mom... I'll love you :)

Friday, February 4, 2011

The DJ is taking the lightbulbs....

... because he paid for them.

Let that sink in.  Because I?  Am so totally not joking.  Because I really doubt I am creative enough to come up with that kind of story on my own.  Here I am all concerned that he might become spiteful during his move-out like damage the TV he's leaving me or damage the walls and leave them for me to deal with.  Never once did I think I would be without lightbulbs.  Stupid girl.

If I'm being honest, this is actually kind of funny.  This is where his anger and hurt has taken him.  To taking lightbulbs.  And I am sad for him.  And actually rather concerned for his well being.  At least he's not living by himself right away.

Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do with this.  So I emailed the girls I'll be visiting with this weekend.  My subject line said " [The DJ] is taking the lightbulbs because he "bought them".  The body of the email said "I don't know what else to say."  Because, honestly?  How do you follow that up?

And this?  The response I got?  Is precisely why I need to visit these girls this weekend.

Katie totally satisfied the whole horrified, I-hate-him-for-you side so that I could dwell and rant and freak out over how totally STUPID this is and can you believe how he's acting?!

Alyssa?  Haha... Alyssa was all "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA stupid boy.  We'll buy them this weekend.  In other news, toilets and plumbers are my life right now." Which was so what I needed, too! No dwelling, no freaking out.  Just, this is how we'll deal. AAAAAAAAnd moving on. 

These girls are just the best ever.  They complete me (in Dr. Evil voice, I even drew the heart in the air.)

So this post is in 2 parts.  That first part was the funny.  This next part is the rant.  Because I can't just be all laughy-ha-ha all the time, now can I?

I'm not really sure what's going on.  The homeless people, they've lost their minds. 

Have you ever been 5 feet from a human whose stench made you unable to suck any amount of breath into your lungs, and thus you began to fear that you might actually suffocate yourself before smelling/tasting (that's yummy.) this stench any longer?  I have.  Yesterday.  On the F train.  Dude was passed out in all his stinky glory during rush hour, so there was no getting away from it.  I really didn't think I would make it the 2 stops I had to go on this train.

And then today, twice, in two different spots... homeless people just abandoning their carts!  Their whole life's... collections... just sitting there for anybody to take!  To be honest, if MY whole life was in a cart, I wouldn't just leave that lying around.  Maybe they assume nobody will want it.  But Dude, this city is FULL of homeless people.  And your collection of crap might be a lot better than THEIR collection of crap and they might take it!  And then where will you be?!

Also?  You know how in the movies they show oceans of yellow cabs driving all up and down the streets of New York, and all you need to do is stick your arm out and WHABAM, a cab appears with a screeching halt?  Um... yeah.  No.

Last night (after the DJ made me wait 30+ minutes for him to show up so I could get my own phone plan, thus costing me $30 extra each month with no appology or phone call or returned text message), I get to the 7 train only to find out that there's a stalled train and the 7 train ain't goin nowhere!  So I go back to street level to hail a cab.  I walk to 5th Avenue.  I try for a cab for 10 minutes.  There are millions, all of them already have people. 

So.. what you're saying to me is that there's not 1 cab available on all of 5th avenue?  Okey dokey.  How about 6th?

So I trek down to 6th avenue.  No cabs.  I had a black car (a.k.a. gypsy cab.  DO NOT TAKE THESE... and this is why...) stop by.  When I asked how much to get to Long Island City (a $12-$15 cab ride with a meter) he told me "That's... $40."  HA!  "$40?!?" I said.  "YEEEAah.  I'm good. No."

I tried 3 different corners of 6th Avenue, and even what appeared to be a hot spot of cab getting.  No luck.  So I decide that 20+ more minutes of my wasted precious time was enough, and I didn't also want to waste my precious money on a stinking cab.  So I went back to the train, found out it was working again, and went home.  The whole trip should have taken me 20 minutes to get my phone changed over AND get home.  It took me an hour and a half.

The frustration caused me to start separating my stuff from the DJs in some sort of frantic rage, both at him and every cab ever to drive in New York City and the 7 train for having the audacity to break down on my time and GAH!

So I made it through the day.  Got myself a yummy burger and fries from the deli next door, put myself to bed at about 11 or so and slept soundly.  I woke up, got in the shower first (thus scoring myself a hot shower FINALLY), got everything together, and said goodbye to my beloved Maggie one last time.  Almost cried but held it together.  Probably won't once I return after the weekend.

And for the love, calm down.  I didn't actually feed her beer.  But how cute is that picture?!  She is my snuggle bug and I will never love a dog quite as much as I loved her.  Now I must stop talking about it, as I am at work, and must hold myself together.

So I leave in like 3 hours for the weekend and seriously can't wait!  Now that I have figured out the whole picture thing, perhaps I will grace you with some from the weekend.  If I remember to take any.  :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy Birthday to Terri!

So I am going out to dinner with my friend Terri for her birthday and I am SUPER excited about it!  We are going to Dos Caminos for restaurant week, which I keep hearing fabulous things about but have never tried.  I guess their guacamole is to die for, and I?  LOVE me some guacamole! 

Also, I went over my new budget, and including a lot of saving and even a few kind of regular incidental type stuff, I'm doing so well salary wise!  So I can AFFORD this dinner out!  And the traveling this weekend!  And this makes me so happy because I have struggled for so long because I worked at the evil evil restaurant!  So Yay!

Of course, it wouldn't be me if there wasn't something that bothered me about tonight.  As it is restaurant week, there is a prefix menu.  It looks just fantastic, and I'm really excited.  But what bothers me is that the lunch and dinner prefix menus are IDENTICAL.  Not one difference.  Exactly the same.  So... why are you charging me $10 MORE for the same thing those early bird lunch people got?  I feel like $10 is a lot.  Like yesterday I got a medium soup, herbed cheese, crackers and grapes for like $7 at Au Bon Pan.  Which was my whole lunch.  So I should be getting like a whole lunch on top of my meal?  No?  Hmmm....

But I digress.  It's always fun meeting up with Terri.  And we will have guac and margaritas and YUM!!

Also, my lunch SUCKED today.  I took left over pasta that the DJ had made.  It looked like it just had salt and pepper on it, so I tossed some cheese in and left for work.  I heated it up, got the cheese all melty and delish looking.  Then I go to take a bite and I find not 1 but 2 lemon peels that were still in the pasta!  I guess he made it with chicken and had used the lemon to flavor the chicken but then put the peels in with the left over pasta for some reason.  So now all I could taste was the lemon.  I tried adding salt and pepper and butter but no.  It was awful lemony cheesy nastiness.  So I threw it away and had an apple with peanut butter instead and now I'm starving.

Also, I think I may have developed an issue with peanut butter which KILLS me!  On days that I don't have peanut butter I am fine.  On days when I do have peanut butter, my stomach gets all upset.  I thought it was maybe soda, or bananas, or something else I was eating, or that I wasn't used to sitting so long and I was getting crampy.  No.  I think it's peanut butter.  Namely the mini Reese's I allow myself after lunch for only drinking water and no soda and having fruit and balanced meals and YAY HEALTHY CONNIE!  But no.  My body, apparently, cannot handle being rewarded with Reese's.  And I am sad.

OK, must prepare for super fantastic dinner!  I will critique tomorrow for you because I know you are ALL on the edge of your seats!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

No contemplation needed...

Ok, so yesterday I said that I would be doing a pro/con type entry on whether or not to go out of town this weekend and what the possible issues might be.


(On a side note, can we talk about how terribly written yesterday's post was?  BLEH!  Today should be better, but don't get your hopes too high.)

So at first I wasn't sure if I should go out of town again this weekend.  I have been to Pennsylvania twice in the past 2 weeks.  I love it, but lordy.  I'm tired of traveling, and it is a little pricey to travel all the time.  Plus I figured this would be the last weekend in my apartment with my beloved Maggie and I would want to hug and kiss and snuggle her all weekend.  On top of all of this, the Superbowl is this weekend, and while my poor poor Eagles didn't make it, I'm still mildly interested in watching and joining in the festivities.  The friend I was considering visiting is having a party, and thus would mean I would either have to cut somebody's party short (and sober) to get me to the train so I get home at a decent time, or miss the superbowl completely so that they could drop me off at the train prior to the festivities.

All of this?  That sounds like it might not be a great idea?  And that maybe I should just stay home for the weekend?  WENT OUT THE WINDOW LAST NIGHT.

After another blow-up about a written out agreement between the DJ and I regarding separating our stuff and agreements we have made (he won't sign that he will let me know 24 hours before returning to the apartment in the future.  He says he has no reason to come back, and he has no problem letting me know, he just won't sign anything saying he'll let me know.  SERIOUSLY!? Why So Difficult?!), we find out our friends got engaged.

CONGRATS JOHN AND TRACEY!  So excited for you!  And the ring? omigod. Beautiful!

This spurred on a conversation regarding the engagement and how it was done and the sentimentality.. blah blah blah.  Let me inform you that the DJ is SEVERELY anti-marriage and kids.  Or so he says.  I figured at some point he'd come around and change his mind.  But it never bothered me because I?  Am SO not ready for any of that right now.  I'm thinking I'll start considering all that when I'm like 30ish.  Maybe.  Well after playing out a couple of ridiculous scenarios about how he might have done it, he did confess that he had wanted to marry me. 

WHAAAA?!?! would be my resonse.

I told him that there was no way he had wanted to marry me, and that he probably just became more open to the IDEA of marriage by living with me and seeing what it was like to go everyday with the same person in the same house handling boring everyday tasks.  He said that was ridiculous because you marry a person not an idea.  He's not a deep thinker.

So I told him that he was somebody that got what he wanted.  And if he had really wanted to marry me that he wouldn't have done all the awful, breaking point things that he had done, making it nearly impossible to continue a relationship with me.  He says that at the end, it seemed like EVERYTHING was a breaking point for me.  He said he felt neglected and uncared for the last month of our relationship.  He brought up New Years weekend where he left for DC to DJ for a house party, and stayed for the whole weekend, spending time with one person in particular that has been a constant issue in our relationship due to lack of boundaries being set.  He said that when I had texted him after midnight wishing him a happy new year and telling him that I loved him that he felt great, but when he was running late getting home on Sunday and I didn't call to check to make sure he was ok that he felt neglected.

I told him that I was ok with him not being here on new years eve because I understood that I was dating a DJ and that that particular evening is a big one for them.  But that he knew I had wanted him here and he made no effort at all to make it back on Saturday.  When I asked about him coming home that Saturday he asked if he could stay another night, and that he would be home on Sunday in time for the 4pm Eagles vs. Dallas game (I'm Eagles.  He's Cowboys.  It makes for a stressful football season.).  He claimed he had no recollection of this conversation.  Then on Sunday, not only did he not rush home to be with me after being gone the whole holiday weekend, but he stopped at the person-that-causes-issues house to pick up her friend to give her a ride to Jersey, and also stopped at another friend's house to visit before getting on the road.  He didn't call to let me know any of this, or that there was traffic, or that he would be late.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  His response was simply that he was trying so hard to get back to me.  That he wishes I had been there, or called so that I could have known that he was trying to get back to me, and by him not calling he was testing how "committed I was".  Apparently I failed.  ?? 

I told him that if he had been seriously interested in marrying me, that he would have done everything he could have to keep me.  I told him about sticking up for him around my exes (who, as you already know, still come back.), and that he never would have gone to see the person-that-causes-issues if he knew he could lose me over it.  I told him that my breaking points had stayed the same the whole time.  I need respect, don't lie, don't cheat.  And that he lied to me.  He didn't have much to say.

If I'm being honest, I knew about the lying for so long that I probably did have a wall up to him.  I do that a lot.  I build walls around myself so that people stop hurting me.  I'm like a walking fortress, except the walls are more like 2 way mirrors.  They can't see me, but I can still see what they're doing and I'm still hurt.  I should really adopt a more reliable defense mechanism.  I digress.  These walls probably did make me un-nurturing and un-caring.  I was probably a little cold and cut off.  I had given all I could give and I felt taken advantage of.  There was really nothing I could do to stop myself from acting this way, because I had no idea I was doing it.  So I should keep an eye on that.  I believe this really is the way he was feeling.  I believe that he is probably regretting a lot of choices. 

The DJ is taking Maggie to DC on Friday.  He'll be back on Monday with his brother to move his stuff out on Tuesday.  Then he's gone for good.

I have no idea what to expect from the future.  And that's ok.

But right now I could really use wine and girl time with people that knew me from a time in my life where I was innocent and life was easy, and boys were a lot less complicated than I thought.  I am going back to my college girls.  And we have opted to be spontaneous as much as possible!  Which I love!  Fly by the seat of our pants and see what happens!  And I can't wait!  Also?  Friend Mike from LA who is fantastic and beautiful is in Philly.  No plans will be made with him to keep with the spontanaety, but... there is always possibility... and I like that.  And I have had no rebound yet.  Not sayin, just sayin...