Thursday, May 5, 2011

Just.... No.

You people are so freaking lucky that I am a technological imbecile.  Because if you had seen the pictures that I had taken last night of the "apartment" I saw, you would be running for the hills!

Basically, I took pictures on my phone, emailed them to myself, and before they were done sending I promptly deleted them from my pictures folder because I had totally already sent them and didn't need them anymore.  Imbecile.  So they didn't actually send.  So I have nothing to show.  So instead, I will describe in painstaking detail.  Ready?

I met with the broker on 93rd Street and 2nd avenue.  It's kind of a weird area.  Not bad, kind of cool buildings, but somewhere in limbo between the Upper East Side and Harlem.  I signed a few disclosure forms, and we walked half of a block to the apartment.  The 2nd avenue subway line is currently being put in, so there's a TON of construction on 2nd avenue, basically right next to the apartment building.  We were to stop into the laundromat to pick up the key from the building owner before going up to the apartment.  When we went into the laundromat, the man said that somebody already took the key.  That some random guy and girl came and took the key and so he doesn't have it anymore. 

So.  Like... you just gave the key to some people?  Without getting any money from them?  Or knowing who they were?  Or if they had actually rented the apartment?

That can't be normal...

So rather than call the broker for the apartment while we were on the street, my broker made me walk up 2 very long steep sets of steps, just to find out the apartment had been rented 30 minutes prior.  And then he started with the whole "Apartments here rent very fast.  They go so quick." which was repeated about 40 times between that apartment and the next, which was a block and a half away. 

So we get to the next apartment which has an open house that starts at 7pm.  It's 6:52.  The Supor wouldn't let us up until exactly 7pm.  OK fine.  So we wait, and I hear about how quickly Manhattan apartments go, and how low their inventory is right now, and how expensive apartments are.

Hey buddy, I am actually aware.  This is not my first time to the rodeo.  I got it.

He also pointed out the Duane Reade on the corner that I had walked right by and the laundromat that was 10 feet in front of my face across the street.  Dude.  If you're gonna tell me something about the neighborhood, tell me something I'M NOT CURRENTLY STARING AT.  Really?

So we finally get let into the building.  My brilliant broker leads me and 2 other people up 3 very steep staircases... in the wrong part of the building.  Cool.  So we walk back down, through some back passageway and up 5 flights of stairs to another part of the building.  We walk into the "apartment" and I am floored.

I don't think you could even count this as a room, much less an apartment.  I'm not sure why there was even a tub in the bathroom, because it was practically the size of a stall shower, which would have worked better.  The paneling was broken.  There were two linen closets for storage, 3 kitchen cabinets, a busted looking mini-oven/stove and what my broker called a full sized refrigerator.  It was basically a big mini fridge.  Not that I need a huge fridge, it's just me.  But please don't talk up the place.  I'm seeing what you're seeing.  The floors were not taken care of at all, and were sagging in the middle.  It did have high ceilings, but I mean... I'm only 5'4", so I guess as long as they're higher than that I'm good, right? 

The space was about 200 square feet.  He tried to pass it off as 300+.  Negative.  It might have been as big as my kitchen. 

Heat and hot water were included, as well as cooking gas.  The apartment has a fee.  The monthly rent is $1325.  Which means move-in cost alone is $3, 975. 

So.  No.  I will keep looking.  The idea of putting up $4,000 for a space big enough for my bed... no.  You have to be kidding. 

I told him to check out the West Harlem area for me.  I started looking at apartments in Astoria and Long Island City just to see.  I can definitely find something there if this keeps going so poorly.  But I have hope, people!  Hope!

And then I got home to an email from my broker.  It said:

Dear Connie,

Thank you so much for your appointment tonight!

Again, sorry about the mishap.  Apartments move fast now due to peak demand.

I'll be in touch!


And now I don't know if I can even go on another appointment with him because I might punch him in the throat if he says those words again!  GRRR!

So, I'm sorry about no pictures, but count your blessings.  Seriously.  It was bad. 

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