ramblings...

So here's some stuff about nothing in particular.

Dear Old Crotchety Man on Wednesday Morning on the Subway,

Loudly yelling that "EXCUSE ME YOU ARE LEANING ON ME" after you shoved onto the train, which promptly shoved me face-first in the pole where I was wedged for the entire ride thankyouverymuch is not necessary, especially when "Sir, is there any space between your body and the pole you are holding onto?  Then I'm gonna have to go ahead and say that YOU are leaning on ME."  Asshole.

Dear Chick That Watched Me Shoved Face First Into A Pole at 8:30am,

Thanks for yelling at Old Crotchety Man and letting him know that I wasn't leaning on much of anything other than my nose leaning on the pole in front of me, and that this was ALL HIS FAULT and to leave me alone.  I feel that if we were in a situation where we could have been in any type of proximity to each other for a longer period of time, you and I would probably have discovered we are kindred spirits. 


Dear Joshy,

I love you.... just.... to pieces.  But you really got my blood boiling last night at happy hour when I asked why you would do something so scarring to the girl you had wanted to introduce me to just 3 days ago, and you told me not to be so naive. 

Here's the thing.  I'm not sure what, in this situation, makes either myself or the girl more naive than yourself.  You said she knew what you were like before she got involved, so it shouldn't surprise her at all that after weeks of spending time with her, coming clean about any other girls you had been seeing, and deciding that you were going to exclusively date her, you decide to get up early in the morning to go to help one of the most recent "other girls" move, EVEN after the current girl told you it would bother her.  She's naive to think that you wouldn't do that?  Doesn't it make you the same kind of naive for getting involved exclusively with someone that you knew before getting involved with her what SHE was like?  That she was a normal person looking for a normal relationship?  And that after you acted like it was heading in the normal relationship direction, she would assume that it was going to be a normal relationship?  But you opted not to believe that, and instead did what "you do". 

All I'm saying is this, you are both in the same boat, and you're upset about the outcome.  Yet you act like she has no reason to be upset in the same way.  And that's crazy.  It's not always the girl's fault, and I for one am tired of that being the case.  The reason I don't trust anyone ever is because I know that at the end of the day, if he hurts me, it's my own fault.  So why trust?

Just, do the world a favor and understand that it's FINE if you like no strings attached, or friends with benefits situations exclusively.  But that lifestyle comes with the responsibility of not getting involved past a certain point, and if you let a girl fall for you because you are actively becoming part of an exclusive situation with her, then you fail.

Love you anyway!


And lastly, this is something that I have only disclosed to a couple friends, but it still bothers me a lot.  And I feel like I'm being petty and stupid and annoying, but it's bumping around in my head and this week has been quite stressful as is. 

I'm.  Annoyed?

Angry a little maybe?

Sad?

Disappointed?

Jealous?

I don't know... all of the above?

My whole life has been about doing things "the right way".  I got good grades in high school and I didn't drink or smoke or sneak out of the house.  I didn't have sex.  I joined SADD and the school newspaper and got on teachers' good sides.  I had a core group of really phenomenal friends.

In college I was careful to be safe, and I was concerned about doing well.  I worked the whole way through, I was involved on campus, and I made sure I experienced college.  Yes I drank, but I did it safely and with friends around.  I didn't open any credit cards, and I had a savings account.  I didn't drop out, I didn't get pregnant.

The day after I graduated from College (a rather large accomplishment), my step sister had her wedding. I am her only sister.  I wasn't a bridesmaid.  She even had 2 bridesmaids drop out before the wedding and I still wasn't asked.  I stood and handed out programs.  My dad walked her down the aisle.  I was his first born, and his only biological daughter.  And I didn't get to be the first that he gave away.  Within a year of the wedding my sister had a baby, and just months after that she was leaving her husband. 

If I'm honest, it doesn't bother me SO MUCH that my dad gave her away first.  What bothers me is that she took away my opportunity to be the first one he gave away when it clearly wasn't that important to her if she could leave her husband a year later, for no apparent reason.  But whatever.  I put on a happy face, and didn't say anything because what could I possibly say??

Now I am living in NYC.  I have a nice apartment and a good job.  I haven't gotten pregnant.  I'm paying off debt left and right.  I have amazing friends.  I have goals.  I'm starting my own company.  I'm doing REALLY well.

But now?  My little sister - as in the girl that is almost 6 years younger than me - is pregnant.  Before she's married.  Her baby's father is a crack dealer and currently in jail.  My sister is living at home with my mom and step dad with no idea how she might take care of a baby but refusing to do the truly selfless thing of letting someone else raise the baby.

And again, my opportunity to have my mom's first real grandchild is taken away from me by someone that it's just not that important to.  Who wasn't careful.  Who has been reckless, even during this pregnancy. 

Maybe it would be different if I could see myself having these experiences at some point.  Maybe if I had a great guy by my side that I really wanted to get married to and start a family with, this wouldn't be so tough.  But there isn't anybody there.  And anybody that has ever been there has treated me rather brutally.  So while I can prop myself up on the stuff we were fed our whole lives as girls - that I have great friends, great family, a good job, and lots of great things in my life - I really WANT my dad to give me away.  I really WANT my mom to be excited about having her first grandchild from me.  And unfortunately, these things can't happen by having great friends, job, etc. 

I feel jipped.  And I don't want to feel jipped.  I want to be happy for my sisters.  And excited.  I want to look forward to weddings and babies and becoming an aunt.  And instead I just feel bitter.  And that's not fair to anyone.

And again, I could do the whole pick-myself-up-and-dust-myself-off and DO something about the fact that I'm not dating anyone.  But all options I am faced with seem far worse than being single for the rest of my life.

I've done online dating before.  I'd much rather die.  I want a story.  I don't care if it's "we grew up together" or "we met at a mutual friend's birthday dinner" or "I bumped into him at the local bar".  But ANYTHING seems better than "So, I was perusing Match.com's lists of photo shopped pictures, when his just JUMPED out at me, so I winked, and he flirted, and after 5 emails and 2 phone calls and numerous text messages we met for a drink, and fell in love!"  Death.  Just... no.  This is very much like my view on church.  I get that it works for some people, but this does not work for me.  I am not fulfilled by this.

I am one of the most social people I know.  I am constantly out.  I go to bars on the weekends, I am out walking around the city every day.  I go to the grocery store, and would LOVE to say I met him in the produce section.  I bike ride.  I go to restaurants.  I meet friends of friends.  I smile!  I take people up on opportunities to try new things. 

But please understand that I am 100% serious that, when I look around, I am horrified by my options.  This is a joke, right?  THIS is who I get to pick from to procreate with??  Good. Lord. No.

I told Ana last night that I had found her brother and his colleague to be adorable... but people like that are NOT at this bar!

I think I'm a bit of a control freak, and knowing that I don't have control over who I will meet when drives me a little crazy.  I'm not much of a procrastinator, so when I want something done, I typically get it done.  You can't just... get a relationship done... ya know?  I also have noticed that I feel victimized in a lot of situations, which I talked to Gia about. 

By the way, my fall TV line up does SOME good.  While watching Revenge, the therapist said "as long as you feel like the victim in your relationships, you have no reason for them to do anything but end badly" or something along those lines.  So maybe I need to take a bit more control of my personal relationships?  Stop feeling like people are constantly taking and stealing from me.  If I don't like something, I don't have to actively participate in it, and I can leave.  I always have an out.  So maybe that more empowering feeling will help me be more comfortable "taking a chance" on someone.  Because it's not that great of a risk.  There is the risk of letting somebody come into my life, but I can always shove them back out again if they are undeserving.  It just needs to be on my terms.  Not, after they walk all over me and abandon me and then try to come back, THAT'S when I assert myself.  No, no.  The minute they push me too far, that's when I need to take control of the situation.  Maybe that will work.  Who knows.  It's exhausting.

I'm not entirely sure how to end this post because these are just things that I needed to "get down on paper" and out of my head.  So I'll leave you with this:

Last night?  Flo found a cockroach on her bed.  A big one.  Like.  2 inches long.  I thought it was a brown praying mantis at first.  So tonight?  I'll be at home scrubbing the crap out of my apartment.