Wednesday, April 27, 2011

...Like a ___________ in church...

So I went back to Pennsylvania this past weekend for Easter.  Generally when people think of Pennsylvania, they think of Amish country, "Pennsyltucky" and chocolate.  They might think of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh... but mostly Pennsylvania is thought of as sort of backwards, out of place and conservative in nature.


In case you aren't familiar "intimately" with Pennsylvania yet (pun intended... you'll get it in a minute), let me tell you a bit about us.

Here is a list of towns in Pennsylvania:





And newly discovered just this weekend...

Fertility, Pennsylvania.

Intercourse has a bunch of little shops, my favorite being the gift shop that has hats, t-shirts, mugs, etc. that say "I <3 Intercourse".  <-- really?

Pennsylvania, although not one of the top most dangerous states, has the largest number of hate groups in the United States.  Awesome.

A lot of other towns that are NOT sexual in nature have the same names as German towns, since there are quite a few "Pennsylvania Dutch" roots in the area.  Pennsylvania Dutch are not the same as the Mennonites, which are not the same as the Amish. 

So being from New York, I've seen it all.  And I've told you about a lot of it.  So you would think that nothing in Pennsyltucky could possibly catch me off guard, right?


I can't decide if I'm being overly sensitive BECAUSE it's Pennsylvania, or if I''m getting old and crochetty... There are a bunch of whores going to my mom and Buzz's church!  Seriously!  I haven't seen that many stripper shoes in the club!  And soooo many dresses so far above the knee it was ridiculous.  Now, I'm not saying women can't show their knees, obviously they can.  But I feel like more than an inch or two above the knee at church is a bit disrespectful.  They make sundresses that hit  just above the knee!  That works!  No.  We're talking mid-thigh, people.  We're talking cleavage all over the place.  We're talking boyfriend's hand on her bare, un-nyloned knee!  We're talking about a girl that couldn't have been more than 16 wearing a strapless party dress!  (Don't get me wrong, I loved the dress.  But a skirt that short, with no straps, and no sweater or cardigan or jacket over it?  Not OK.)

So there was that.

My grandfather called me fat which, ya know... cool.  The man doesn't like me!  And nobody believes me because he only says that stuff when nobody else is around!  Whatever.

Which brings me to my next item of business.  I have fought against this since I started this blog.  I don't want this to be a weight loss blog.  Because honestly, even I can only focus on one thing for so long.  And I wanted this blog to be a good outlet for me, as well as a chronicle of life events as they happen. 

Last week (before my grandfather informed me for the 400th time that I am, in fact, obese) I decided I'd had enough.  I haven't been happy with my weight since 2002.  That's not good.  My brother told me he wanted to get a tattoo with me which I'm really excited about because I've wanted a tattoo for a really long time, and I know exactly what I want.  However, when I went home and look at the areas in the mirror where I had considered getting a tattoo, I didn't like any of it.  There was too much... like... everywhere.  Nothing was smooth and taut the way it should be.  And I realized I had let it go too far.  Much too far.  I consider myself a pretty responsible person as far as my career, finances, chores, family, friends, etc.  But I have been really irresponsible with my body.  I haven't taken care of myself the way I should.  (See also Cake Nights.  Ugh.)  And I know that the closer I get to 30 the more obvious it's going to become to me that I've let myself go.  No good. 

So last week was my last week to be irresponsible.  I haven't enjoyed my oblivion in recent years.  I've been guilt ridden and upset with myself.  So I did it up.  I had cake night.  I had homemade macaroni and cheese.  I drank whatever alcohol and soda I wanted.  I snacked, and I ate a big Easter dinner.  And then I stopped.  Sunday at Midnight I stopped.  That was enough.  I felt ready to do this.  This is not a diet.  This is me taking back control of my body.  This is me getting myself back to my goal weight.  This is me not slacking off and making excuses like I have for so long.  This is a commitment to health. 

Here's the plan:

I am tracking everything I do on which tracks your calorie intake, your fitness levels and your weight loss.  My goal is to lose 2 pounds per week.  I understand weight loss.  I know there are plateaus, and loss of momentum.  I know it's hard.  I know it's a daily struggle.  I am giving myself a year to get to my goal weight which is more than enough time.  But I refuse to be this way for any longer.  I need a goal I can actually achieve.  This is a goal I can achieve.  If I find that I'm not sticking with the Livestrong program, I'll join Weight Watchers.  I'll do whatever it takes, whatever extreme to get this done. 

I am also committed to every other day at the gym.  No excuses.  And if I can get some other activity in on the other days, great!  This week, for example, I'm going to the gym Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.  On Saturday, if it's nice, we will be renting bikes and riding around Central Park.  So that's good. 

I weighed myself for the first time in years on Monday at the gym.  I was where I thought I was.  Which was good news.  The bad news?  I'm where I thought I was.  Ha. So there's that.  I'm weighing myself once a week to track my progress, since I know weigh fluctuates day to day.  So the plan is, every Tuesday will be the weight loss blog. 

Don't give me that look!  Don't roll your eyes at me!  I need you guys!  I have Katie to report to about the gym, I have Maria to talk to about my eating habits.  I need you guys expecting me to do this!  The more people I have watching the better!  I feel the extreme need to impress...

As I'm writing this there's a Nutrisystem commercial on TV.  Don't worry, I won't be posting before and after pics, or swinging my hair around like some sort of freak acting like "Don't you WISH you could be as hot as I am?!"  Because.... no.  This really is important to ME.  I don't like myself.  And I find that I am constantly beating myself up over my weight, and then finding ways to make it OK.  But it's not OK.  I'm better than that.

So suck it, Grandpa!


That was rude.

..... I don't care.

What else happened?  Ummm...

Oh, I nearly punched my sisters boyfriend in the face on Thursday night.  That was cool.  He's a douche.  I just... I can't even describe.  He's my age and he's a child.  My gym teacher in High School told me once that if somebody has to start any sentence with "honestly", or "I'm being honest"... he's not being honest.  Guess how many times her boyfriend said that?  Also?  He tried to argue with me.  With me!  HA!  It's laughable!  I used to want to be a lawyer, and I have really perfected my argument structure.  And I remember everything.  And I will embarrass you.  And you might cry.  I'm just saying.  Ask my exes.  It's happened. 

I got to see Papa for the first time since Christmas.  He's so much fun.  And I spent the night at Michael and Charlie's house finally which was great!  I had to go get a bathing suit for their hot tub because I forgot mine.  Thanks to Target, I found a really cute strapless gray/silver suit that looked OK!  And it was only $8... can't beat it!

I think that's about it.

Oh, I thought of this when I was walking into work today.  It's random, but I wanted to share.

Have you ever seen an older gay man that hasn't ever been schooled in how to be gay publicly?  Like, maybe he came late to the party and was past his "prime" gay years?

Well... I saw one today.  He was wearing pleated navy blue pants cut just above his ankles, navy blue loafers and a pink button down shirt that hadn't been ironed with French Cuffs.... sans cuff links.  It was bad, y'all.  I sort of wanted to take him under my wing and let him know that he will NEVER get laid in this city lookin like that...

OK, that is all.  I haven't been around due to the holiday and what not but I have a blog plan now... and you better still show up!

please still show up...

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