I'm going to go ahead and let you in on another quirk of mine.
I've explained before the extreme flashes of anger that come over me sometimes, generally in the subway or on the sidewalk, usually involving people. I've told you about funny things that happen to me in my everyday life. What I didn't tell you is that, in my mind, I write these people letters. Sometimes I write myself letters. You've seen people do this in their Facebook posts, but I fo real do it all the time.
The format of these mind letters are usually the same:
Funny observation/ hate-filled insult no longer than a sentence or two.
And it's all the time. I can honestly say that I write at least 3 letters every morning on the way to work. Here are a few that I have written that I remember over the last few days:
Dear Owl Faced, Mullet Wearing Lady on the Subway,
You live in the fashion capital of the United States and you actively choose not to change that hair style? Let me give you a hint: If the words "feathered", "Shorter on top, but keep the length" or "Business in the front, party in the back" are ever uttered when getting your hair cut? Just. Walk. Away.
Love for the length of this train ride,
Dear You Jackasses Walking Down The Left Side Staircase at Rush Hour,
STOP WALKING DOWN THE LEFT SIDE STAIR CASE I WANT TO GET TO MY NEXT TRAIN TOO YOU SELFISH SPOILED ROTTEN OBLIVIOUS GOONS!
Dear Funny Conductor on the 6 Train Late Night,
Your satirical take on the complete absence of the E train on the island of Manhattan was clever and welcomed, and although didn't fix the problem, made it easier to take. Keep it up, big fella...
I am not retired. For the 4th year and 428th letter in a row, I am not retired. That being said, your refusal to stop sending me letters leads me to believe that you will give me these benefits anyway. Bring on the travel discounts, bitches!
Sincerely yours from Mount Caramel Senior Center,
Dear Gerber Life,
You. Bastards. I am not a caring mother, but thank you for pointing out that I have not only failed to bring life into this world, but I am also recently single with no real prospects with which to complete that goal. Much appreciated.
Why do you steal from me? Why? When you charge someone $82 to deliver $77 worth of electricity, that's stealing! Please stop.
Pleading from the depths of my bank account,
Dear Dude at the Gym Nearly Crying Over His Hurt Leg,
You have 2 options. 1) STOP WORKING ON YOUR LEGS FOR TODAY BECAUSE YOU ARE CLEARLY DAMAGING THEM. 2) Man up. If you can still work on your legs at all the pain can't be that bad. Knock it off.
Me. The girl glaring at you in the mirror.
Dear Every Commuter That Doesn't Seem To Understand Either Logic or Basic Pedestrian Rules,
1) This is a door. People have to use it literally every 2 minutes. If you stand in front of that door, PEOPLE CAN'T USE IT. MOVE!
2) This is a walk way. People. Are. Walking. You aren't walking? MOVE!
3) That empty space behind you is the middle of the train. See how there are no people there? See how there are 40 people stuffed into each other's armpits and other uncomfortable places by the doors? MOVE IN!
4) Thanks for stepping out of the train to let people get out. Unfortunately, you stepped out and stopped still right in front of the door. You're not helpful. MOVE!
So basically. You there? MOVE.
Pull yourself together, get your ass off the couch, and get stuff done. GOD.
Screw you. I'm staying where I am.
Love you mean it!
And so it goes. On and on. Day after day. Letter after letter. Nothing ever changes, because I never say anything actually to these people. One day I did give this girl that stood directly in front of the train doors at 8:45 in the morning, literally blocking EVERYONE on the train from exiting because she was perfectly positioned to be in every person's way a pretty good look. I let me jaw drop a little, my eyes widen, eyebrows narrow and just looked at her, letting my head shake back and forth ever so slightly in incredulous shock. She gave my reflection in the window a death stare for the rest of the ride... after she moved : ) I felt validated. Death Stare away, chicky. I think we just proved who has the better death stare.
So there you go. But please don't assume that you now have a grasp on the full extent of my crazy. Because you have no idea at all. I have SO much more to share with you.
If this wasn't entertaining enough, please venture over to the Bloggess for some of the best animal clips ever. They are narrated by a man with a very effeminate voice and are just fantastic!