Monday, April 4, 2011

This is why I need a Blog notebook on me at all times.

O well helloooo there.  How are youuuu? 

So here's the deal.  I am currently inspired to write something, yet I have nothing to really write.  My mind is pretty clear (much like my desk for a minute).  This is a strange situation to be in.  Anyway, I decided that I would go for something light hearted, and this post is inspired by my dear friend and forever Roomie, K80. <~~  Katie, for those of you NOT from the early texting generation.  Get it?  K. 80.  K-80. K80. Katie.  Ugh.

We were having a conversation a week or so ago about our Sweettooths... Sweetteeth... Sweettooth as a plural like fish or deer?  I don't know.  That.  I capitalize Sweett... whatever it is because my Sweettooth is real, y'all.  It's a proper noun, living and breathing with a personality all its' own.  I wish my Sweettooth only had high class taste, but the truth is, although picky from one instance to the next, my Sweettooth does not discriminate between Little Debbie and decadent desserts from the Four Seasons.  We take 'em all!  Just.... only one at a time.  A specific one.  No, not that one.  That other thing.

Do you see where I'm going?  I mean, apart from the fact that this is, in fact, a whole post about my Sweettooth... a post that would make most writers smack their heads and say "My career is over.  I just wrote about snack foods."  much like Carrie Bradshaw dealing with HER writer's block and deciding to write about a french fry.  Miranda felt it had potential.  Carrie was disgusted with herself.  I?  Am not a writer... so we move on.

If we're going to analyze my Sweettooth, we would have to go back to my childhood.  I grew up in Hershey, Pennsylvania.  I was pretty much set up for failure.  Seriously!  5 minutes from my house was the Reese's factory, the Hershey's Kiss factory, and maybe half of a mile from my school (all 3, Elementary, Middle and High school) was the original Hershey's factory.  I literally woke up every morning and rode the bus right past the Reese's factory and smelled roasting peanuts.  I got off the bus at school and was bombarded with the smell of warm, melted chocolate.  When I was 15 I started working at Hersheypark.  In the gift shops.  In the candy/fudge shop to be specific.  Oh.  Yeah I did.


This is where it gets serious.  I gained 40 pounds when I started working there.  I worked there for 2 years.  At first it was just "OH, my GOD can you just believe all this CANDY?! Chocolate of every type, big chunks of fudge, Jolly Ranchers, Peach O's, Twizzlers!!"  and then it was all "Oh what?  So if packaging is damaged when we open the box we just mark it out and throw whatever doesn't fall on the floor into that box over there and it's all taken care of?  So, like... if I'm using a box cutter like THIS and... awwww... that bag of Hershey's Bites just got sliced into.  So now we just put it in that box and move right along?"


Good to know.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

GOD I hope this doesn't get me retroactively arrested!  What's the statute of limitations for stealing candy??  I really don't think I knew the magnitude of what I was doing!  DON'T YOU HAVE TO HAVE MENS REA (criminal intent) TO BE ARRESTED?!  I didn't have criminal intent!




This brings me to Halloween.

My family wasn't RICH.  We were comfortable, and probably better off than a lot of people (not that I would ever be able to tell thanks to stingy Ron.  That's a whooooole different post, people.), but we weren't "Stoney Run" rich.  We weren't.... wait for it.... "CEOs of Hershey Foods and Company" rich.

... But we were within walking distance of CEOs of Hershey Foods and Company rich homes.

Oh yes we were.

So you probably got the cardboard peanuts, and the black and orange wrapped candies (What were those, by the way?  I was a name-brand candy only kid, so I refused to eat those.  There was no label!  I had no idea what I was biting into!  There could be POISON in there!)... the tootsie pops and fun-sized candy bars, right?  Yeah I got those too.  For years.  Until I learned about Stoney Run.  Once I hit middle school I realized that my mom either ate or threw out the candy I didn't get to by Thanksgiving.  Probably a good idea on her part.  But then I started wondering why I was busting my hump trying to get that HUGE quantity of candy.  There was no way I could get through it all, so all that effort was a huge waste.  And I had started hearing rumors about "better" candy in Stoney Run.

What ARE these things??

So I went.  And my life changed forever.  People.  We're talking King Sized, Brand Name Only Candy here.  Also?  A lot of these people just didn't feel like being bothered.  So you had to be sure to get out there RIGHT on time to hit up those stupid people that left a bowl of King Sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (the long packs of's like hitting 3 houses in one package!) with the sign next to it that read "Please take one!"  HA.  Dumbasses.

So beyond my candy thievery (I'm so ashamed.) there were cookies.  I'm not sure why this is the sweet of choice in my family.  But it is.  My mom makes the worlds very best Chocolate Chip Cookies that I've been making with her for longer than I can remember.  My grandmother, Nanny, is very nearly world famous for her Sugar Cookies.  These are so near and dear to my heart that I still have one of her cookies frozen in my freezer at home that I refuse to eat since there will never be an original cookie again.  She used to keep some for me for whenever I came to visit her and told me not to share them with anybody.  When she found out that my mom would take at LEAST 2 cookies from me every time I took them back to her house, Nanny started making my mom her own plate of cookies so I could keep mine until I reached home (wherever that was at the time).  My family also does cookie baking day around Christmas.  It used to be one of my favorite days.  Recently I haven't been able to make it to many due to scheduling and travel.  We literally bake thousands of cookies that day.  Russian tea cakes, cookie cutter cookies, Kiss blossoms, Reese's blossoms, snickerdoodles... this list goes on and on. 

So after annalyzing my childhood brush with sweets, we now find ourselves in the present-ish.  I've always loved cheesecake.  One night in college my best friend Justin came into my apartment and said, with a sly eye, "I have a surprise for you... come over!"  His family had been in New York for the weekend visiting family, and Justin had brought back a Junior's Cheesecake.  It was sitting on the counter, and he had two forks in his hand.  My goodness that kid knew the way to my heart.  Had it been anybody else, I would have considered that a proposal.

I have indulged in Krispy Kremes, Crumbs Bakery cupcakes, fried Oreos and Snickers bars, homemade ice cream... O my goodness.

Now, I would say that all of this experience with sweets makes me some sort of Sweets Expert, right?  Can that be my new title?  Connie Funk: Sweets Expert Extrodinaire.  I like it. 

The thing is, my Sweettooth has become... particular.  Because it knows and has studied so many different types of sweets and is aware of the various ways each texture and taste can satisfy, I am only ever in the mood for one thing at a time.  A very specific thing.  No not that one, the other thing.

I REALLY dislike chocolate ice cream and chocolate cake.  UNLESS the chocolate cake is incredibly moist and has peanut butter frosting, or the ice cream is actually vanilla with chocolate sauce or fudge (like Hot Fudge Vanilla Shakes.  Try them.  You won't be disappointed.).

There are days when only fruity snacks satisfy.  So I want maybe frozen yogurt with fresh fruit bits in it.  Or a fruit bar.  Or Starbursts.  Other days, something carby like a doughnut, or cake or cookies.  Other days I just want Reese's for the love of God I don't care what kind or type or size just get it for me now Now NOW!


My Sweettooth is fickle.  I describe her as such:  Your Best Friend in Kindergarten.

"Jessica is my best friend in the world!  Yesterday I liked Kelly, but she wanted to play on the swings and I didn't FEEEEEEL like it because I wanted to play on the jungle gym.  So she got mad at me and stopped talking to me.  So then I met Sally at the jungle gym and she wanted to sit with me at lunch and I said ok!  But then Kelly didn't have anywhere to sit so I invited her to sit with us, and Sally got mad because she thought that I liked Kelly more, which I didn't then, but she started crying and doesn't want to be my friend.  So today Kelly and I ended up best friends and we swapped best friend bracelets!  Except then she colored in my coloring book so I didn't want to sit with her on the bus because it was the best page so INSTEAD I sat with Jessica and now SHE'S my real best friend."

Make sense? 

K80 feels that our Sweetteeth (I made the decision.  Sweetteeth it is.) would get along pretty well.  I said that I agreed, as long as she kept her pineapple on her own side of the pizza.  That's another post too. 

... I still really need that Blog notebook.

No comments:

Post a Comment