Friday, February 25, 2011

So I'm Progressing Nicely Right On Into Anger...

So here's the thing about me.  I have emotions just like everybody else.  What I'm realizing is that I display them in COMPLETELY different ways.  For example:  my hurt feelings come off as uncaring and cold, rather than crying and yelling.  I've done a very small amount of research on this whole grief cycle thing so that I can figure out when the HELL I'm actually going to be able to accurately judge what I am really feeling about this whole DJ thing.  This is the chart I like best:

So You've all been with me through the Shock and Denial stage, which was pretty awesome.  The traveling, the pretending this wasn't REALLY happening.  Being totally numb to all feelings because I had shut down, and then blaming every single issue we have ever had and the entire break-up on the DJ. (Actually, I'm still doing that one.  Because really?  I am, in fact, perfect.  And had nothing to do with this whole stupid thing.  HUMPH.)

It appears that I may be a bit of an over-achiever too since the whole Dialogue and Bargaining thing has come in to play pretty much since the beginning.  I think in some cases I wanted somebody to tell me just how awful he really was and I was totally OK to feel the way I was feeling.  I also wanted SOMEBODY, ANYBODY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, to talk some sense into him.  Which I knew wasn't possible.  And isn't really what I want, because I want him to decide for himself what he wants, rather than being guilted into coming back to me.  Which I am not sure anymore is what I really want.  Which is great. (<~~ Heavy on the sarcasm.)

I'm also experiencing a bit of the Depression and Detachment.  I've used the word "blah" in far too many emails about far too many different topics.  Also?  I am just exhausted!  All I want to do is sleep.  I can't wait to get home at night after work and I've been going to bed HOURS before I usually do.  I don't really feel overwhelmed or helpless, but those two qualities are really not in my vocabulary usually anyway.

That's kind of where my over-achieving stops.  I have CERTAINLY not come anywhere near touching Acceptance with a 10 foot pole, and Returning to a Meaningful Life is like some fairytale way off in the distance riding on a unicorn into the sunset. 

But this Anger thing.  This is serious.  Funny thing is, my anger is only a little bit directed at the DJ.  Mostly, it's directed at work.  Which is weird because I LOVE work!  I'm still excited to come in every day.  I love getting dressed to come into the office... except for today which I will get to... and it's also directed to the general public of New York City.  (Sorry about that, kids.)

Let's just take this from the top, shall we?

So I'm going home today to my Mom's house which is really exciting!  So I wake up this morning, with the distinct plan to get up, get everything together, and head out early enough to grab my paycheck before getting to work.  Then I hear it.  A car drives by my window with the distinct sound of.... Rain. Rain is my arch nemesis, Snow's, cousin.  We are also not friends.  First, my room was not sufficiently lit up since it was so gloomy outside.  Which made it harder to get out of bed. 

Then I get up, and I'm getting ready.  I'm feeling pretty efficient, and while my straightener is heating up, I put out extra bowls of food and water for Puka.  I put my lunch in my purse.  I get dressed.  Wow, nice!  All I have to do is my hair and make-up, put those last few items in my weekend bag and head out!  YAY! 
This goes smoothly until I try to get my aunt's sweatshirt that has been at my apartment for months awaiting delivery into my weekend bag.  It won't fit.  OK, no problem.  I drape it over the top of the weekend bag, I grab my handbag, put on my coat, say goodbye to Puka and head out. 


HELLO!?!  Huge handbag??  Weekend Bag!!  Umbrella! Wallet!!  I'm way out of hands and definitely out of patience... and I've walked across the street to the subway.  I had walked to the far side of the staircase so I wasn't in anybody's way and I could wrap up my umbrella, hang it from my wrist, dig out my wallet, get out my subway card, and get myself back together before getting to the platform.  There's a staircase and a half open.  I am blocking the FURTHEST side, and my stop is not THAT busy.  Nope.  2 dumbasses STILL feel the need to bump into me, and give ME dirty looks.  LOOK ASSHATS!  You have a staircase and a half to use!  It's not MY fault you decided to use this side of this staircase!

I finally get to the platform and am struggling to hold my weekend bag in my left hand and shove my wallet back into my over-stuffed handbag as the train pulls in.  A guy in maybe his 30s has seen me struggling the whole way down the platform.  Do you think he would let me get into the train first because:
1) I am a female
2) I have a lot of stuff to situate
3) I am closest to the door anyway

?  Really, any of those seem like good reasons to me.  NO!  This jerkwad cuts me off and shoves onto the train in front of me and then just STANDS IN THE WAY OF THE DOOR. 

People.  In 5 minutes I've gone from Problem Solver Extraordinaire to crazy woman with steam actually coming out of my ears and a death wish upon 3 people.

I squeeze around him and find a spot close to a pole to hold on to.  Somehow I make it to Bryant Park, where I attempt to change trains.  I am cut off by no less than 5 people just trying to get up the steps that are 3 feet from the train door.  I make it down the long corridor, but my grip on my weekend bag is getting pretty painful.  because I had to sling the sweatshirt over it, I can't slip the handles up to my elbow to relieve my hand.  I get to the end of the corridor, and I wait for an opening to cut across on-coming foot traffic to get down to the next platform.  I should have just shoved my way over.  This woman STILL purposely walks directly into me and kicks my weekend bag that I now have in my right hand, and am walking with a heck of a lean.  It is not a sexy pimp-walk that I posses.  I know that I am walking down the steps on the left side.  I know this is annoying, because it drives me crazy that people don't use basic foot-traffic rules.  "Hi, here in America, we walk on the RIGHT side!"  This woman watches me coming down the steps with my bags and umbrella and holding on to the handrail for dear life and FORCES her way up on the same side.  I have to side shuffle and readjust all my bags mid-staircase because she wants to use that side.  FINE. WHATEVER.

Let's just cut to, I finally make it to the office.  I'm a sweaty mess.  It appears that my umbrella did very little, as my hair, my weekend bag, the sweatshirt, my coat and my handbag are all soaked.  Awesome.

I watch the rain all morning, trying to judge when I should go get my paycheck.  I decided this morning that it did NOT make sense to try to get it on the way to work.  Good call on my part.  So the rain just isn't letting up.  I trudge downstairs at around 1:20pm.  I walk to the train, I go to 48th street.  I get my paycheck and inquire one more time about my damn W2s that still haven't come in the mail.  There are no suggestions.  I should probably just not file taxes, and see how that works out.  I come back.  I go to the bank, and come back to the office.  I walk in at 1:58.  Guess what time it stops raining.  2PM.  Just. Stops. Raining. 

You will not be able to convince me that the universe does not have it out for me.

Also, on my way back from picking up my check?  A woman with NO bags, and only holding an umbrella with tons of space to her right, just stared me down and insisted upon walking on the left side of the sidewalk.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

And the phone calls I've received today!  "Hello, so-and-so's office..... No they are not available right now, would you like to leave them a voicemail?..........................................................................................."

OK people look.  It's a voicemail.  It's not a marriage proposal, it's not a major life decision.  Plus, your secret's out!  They can already see your phone number on their received calls list!  They know you've called!  And leaving a voicemail does not mean telling ME what the message is!  This is not 1975.  I am not a secretary.  I'm an executive assistant.  My assistance means pushing the "iDivert" button on the phone to send you to their voicemail.  Or I can transfer you to somebody else.  That's as far as I go.  No I don't know how long he might be on the phone.  No I don't know how long she might be out grabbing a sandwich.  It doesn't matter much to me that you are returning a call, because I wasn't there to hear the original call.  So I don't know why you're calling back.  And how many assistants do YOU know that can give you specific information about specific deals?  If I could do that, I WOULDN'T BE AN ASSISTANT!  I'd be an analyst, making double my salary.  Thanks for that little reminder.

Also, no problem if you want to just try back.  But I don't care when you are going to try.  "I'll try back in 5 minutes.  If they aren't there, then I'll try back in 15.  I'll also follow up with an email... AND A GREETING CARD TO THEIR MOTHER!"  I don't care!  Great, talk to you in 5!  BYE!

And Accounts Payable can kiss my butt for all their stupid questions.  "What is the invoice number?"  You mean the number that I wrote next to the heading Invoice Number?  The same one on the actual invoice you have sitting in front of you right next to where it says Invoice Number?  Yet the same number that is actually the SUBJECT OF THIS EMAIL?!  Please tell me you aren't getting paid more than me.  Please.

What I would like to point out is that I have had an excessive amount of anger all day.  A day that, really, has just been a regular day here in New York.  People are rude and pushy during their morning commute.  Nobody cares that you decided to travel, or that you opted to bring all this bag-ness with you during rush hour.  And it is their damned God-given right to walk on whatever side of the staircase/ walkway/ sidewalk they please!  And you can either fight them on it, or you can just DEAL with it.  I, apparently, have chosen anger.

And I know all that office stuff happens in every office.  And usually I laugh it off, or just make fun of the people silently in my head... and ALL the voices laugh and laugh...

But lately?  NO!  Anger! Frustration!  GRRRRR and the gnashing of teeth!

Luckily, I have people that send me funny pictures of their dogs to brighten up these dark days. 

Hi.  I am Kaia.  I have a mohawk because my mommy is CRAZY, yall.

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