Tuesday, February 1, 2011

No contemplation needed...

Ok, so yesterday I said that I would be doing a pro/con type entry on whether or not to go out of town this weekend and what the possible issues might be.


(On a side note, can we talk about how terribly written yesterday's post was?  BLEH!  Today should be better, but don't get your hopes too high.)

So at first I wasn't sure if I should go out of town again this weekend.  I have been to Pennsylvania twice in the past 2 weeks.  I love it, but lordy.  I'm tired of traveling, and it is a little pricey to travel all the time.  Plus I figured this would be the last weekend in my apartment with my beloved Maggie and I would want to hug and kiss and snuggle her all weekend.  On top of all of this, the Superbowl is this weekend, and while my poor poor Eagles didn't make it, I'm still mildly interested in watching and joining in the festivities.  The friend I was considering visiting is having a party, and thus would mean I would either have to cut somebody's party short (and sober) to get me to the train so I get home at a decent time, or miss the superbowl completely so that they could drop me off at the train prior to the festivities.

All of this?  That sounds like it might not be a great idea?  And that maybe I should just stay home for the weekend?  WENT OUT THE WINDOW LAST NIGHT.

After another blow-up about a written out agreement between the DJ and I regarding separating our stuff and agreements we have made (he won't sign that he will let me know 24 hours before returning to the apartment in the future.  He says he has no reason to come back, and he has no problem letting me know, he just won't sign anything saying he'll let me know.  SERIOUSLY!? Why So Difficult?!), we find out our friends got engaged.

CONGRATS JOHN AND TRACEY!  So excited for you!  And the ring? omigod. Beautiful!

This spurred on a conversation regarding the engagement and how it was done and the sentimentality.. blah blah blah.  Let me inform you that the DJ is SEVERELY anti-marriage and kids.  Or so he says.  I figured at some point he'd come around and change his mind.  But it never bothered me because I?  Am SO not ready for any of that right now.  I'm thinking I'll start considering all that when I'm like 30ish.  Maybe.  Well after playing out a couple of ridiculous scenarios about how he might have done it, he did confess that he had wanted to marry me. 

WHAAAA?!?! would be my resonse.

I told him that there was no way he had wanted to marry me, and that he probably just became more open to the IDEA of marriage by living with me and seeing what it was like to go everyday with the same person in the same house handling boring everyday tasks.  He said that was ridiculous because you marry a person not an idea.  He's not a deep thinker.

So I told him that he was somebody that got what he wanted.  And if he had really wanted to marry me that he wouldn't have done all the awful, breaking point things that he had done, making it nearly impossible to continue a relationship with me.  He says that at the end, it seemed like EVERYTHING was a breaking point for me.  He said he felt neglected and uncared for the last month of our relationship.  He brought up New Years weekend where he left for DC to DJ for a house party, and stayed for the whole weekend, spending time with one person in particular that has been a constant issue in our relationship due to lack of boundaries being set.  He said that when I had texted him after midnight wishing him a happy new year and telling him that I loved him that he felt great, but when he was running late getting home on Sunday and I didn't call to check to make sure he was ok that he felt neglected.

I told him that I was ok with him not being here on new years eve because I understood that I was dating a DJ and that that particular evening is a big one for them.  But that he knew I had wanted him here and he made no effort at all to make it back on Saturday.  When I asked about him coming home that Saturday he asked if he could stay another night, and that he would be home on Sunday in time for the 4pm Eagles vs. Dallas game (I'm Eagles.  He's Cowboys.  It makes for a stressful football season.).  He claimed he had no recollection of this conversation.  Then on Sunday, not only did he not rush home to be with me after being gone the whole holiday weekend, but he stopped at the person-that-causes-issues house to pick up her friend to give her a ride to Jersey, and also stopped at another friend's house to visit before getting on the road.  He didn't call to let me know any of this, or that there was traffic, or that he would be late.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  His response was simply that he was trying so hard to get back to me.  That he wishes I had been there, or called so that I could have known that he was trying to get back to me, and by him not calling he was testing how "committed I was".  Apparently I failed.  ?? 

I told him that if he had been seriously interested in marrying me, that he would have done everything he could have to keep me.  I told him about sticking up for him around my exes (who, as you already know, still come back.), and that he never would have gone to see the person-that-causes-issues if he knew he could lose me over it.  I told him that my breaking points had stayed the same the whole time.  I need respect, don't lie, don't cheat.  And that he lied to me.  He didn't have much to say.

If I'm being honest, I knew about the lying for so long that I probably did have a wall up to him.  I do that a lot.  I build walls around myself so that people stop hurting me.  I'm like a walking fortress, except the walls are more like 2 way mirrors.  They can't see me, but I can still see what they're doing and I'm still hurt.  I should really adopt a more reliable defense mechanism.  I digress.  These walls probably did make me un-nurturing and un-caring.  I was probably a little cold and cut off.  I had given all I could give and I felt taken advantage of.  There was really nothing I could do to stop myself from acting this way, because I had no idea I was doing it.  So I should keep an eye on that.  I believe this really is the way he was feeling.  I believe that he is probably regretting a lot of choices. 

The DJ is taking Maggie to DC on Friday.  He'll be back on Monday with his brother to move his stuff out on Tuesday.  Then he's gone for good.

I have no idea what to expect from the future.  And that's ok.

But right now I could really use wine and girl time with people that knew me from a time in my life where I was innocent and life was easy, and boys were a lot less complicated than I thought.  I am going back to my college girls.  And we have opted to be spontaneous as much as possible!  Which I love!  Fly by the seat of our pants and see what happens!  And I can't wait!  Also?  Friend Mike from LA who is fantastic and beautiful is in Philly.  No plans will be made with him to keep with the spontanaety, but... there is always possibility... and I like that.  And I have had no rebound yet.  Not sayin, just sayin...

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