So I'm not sure if I did something to bring this on. I don't know if this is Karma kicking me square in the butt over something. But today has just been downright difficult. Literally, from the very first moment I realized today existed.
I don't recall having a dream of any type. I don't think I heard any noise (other than the basic New York City buzz), but at 6:39am my head SHOT off my pillow and I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. I was trying to catch my breath and my eyes darted around the room, first settling on Puka who was giving me her "um. Hi. I was sleeping and you went flailing. Could you, like, NOT do that? GOD." look. I see that I have a little less than an hour left to sleep and can't figure out what might have woken me up. I check out my phone to make sure I didn't get any "somebody's dying!" texts or phone calls. Nothin.
So I go back to sleep.
And I wake up at... 7:55. Awesome. A full 25 minutes after I'm supposed to. UGH! So I get out of bed as quickly as I can (not easy with a cat sleeping directly between your knees, and your torso wrapped in 4 blankets, but ya know...) and get in the shower. I am ready to go only 3 minutes late which... don't even ASK me how I managed that. I don't even look that bad, which is really saying something!
So I head to the train. You know those days (and for non-city people, picture the guy on the freeway going the exact same speed you are, and sitting in your blind spot, and the car in front of you refusing to speed up at all, thus imprisoning you going 52 in a 55 on your way to work when you are already running late) when people just don't MOVE?! I JUST miss a train. OK, no big deal. I'll be on the next one and I'm only a couple minutes late. I should be OK. Except that then I start looking around and noticing that the platform has become VERY packed. My usually quiet, uncluttered platform, is lost in a sea of people. A train pulls up, and I'm pretty sure I could actually see the metal being stretched around the people already packed inside. I think 3 more squeezed in, but honestly... I think bolts were about to start popping. Then the second train comes. Same thing. It's now been 15 minutes that I've been waiting for a train, and I have exactly 10 minutes to make a 25 minute commute. Cool. FINALLY a train comes that I can get on. I had waited 20 minutes.
*Sidebar* Hey yo bitch?! The one standing DIRECTLY in the way of the door, and then you move slightly and are RIGHT in the way of anybody moving into the center of the car, thus making 2 people continue waiting on the platform after already waiting 20 minutes for a damn train because you didn't FEEL like walking away from your little spot?! YOU ARE A DOUCHE CLOWN AND SHOULD BE SHOT.
ahem.
7 minutes later we are at Bryant Park. I get off and try to rush over to the staircase to run up before the bulk of the crowd and make it down the corridor to jump on the train and make it to work only 5 minutes late. HA. We say to you NO! NO luck for you! I was cut off by... like... everybody. Hi, just because your face is forward, I see you looking at me out of the corner of your eye. You are not sneaky. And I'm putting some sort of Irish curse on you via death stare.
*Sidebar* HEY ASSHOLES?! The ones coming down the up side of the stairs and literally almost knocking that old lady WITH THE CANE over?! And you jerkwads coming from the Orange line trains toward the 7 Train that insist on taking up the ENTIRE corridor and making us coming from the 7 train walk in a single file line, unable to squeeze around the person in front of us to make the next train as quickly as possible?! SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Goodness... those sidebars just keep sneaking up on me...
I make it onto the platform and wouldn't you know the train that finally comes ISN'T THE F TRAIN?! (By the way, the Fing F Train flows nicely off the tongue on days like this.) It's the ever illusive M train that is never anywhere to be found. Do you know that I waited 10 minutes for an Fing F train? 10 MINUTES! People. I check for train delays every morning. I have been LIED to! I would call waiting 7+ minutes during rush hour a delay.
Today I waited a total of about 30 minutes for trains. For a total travel time of 15 minutes. I SPENT DOUBLE THE TIME WAITING FOR THE TRAIN THAN I ACTUALLY SPENT ON THE TRAIN.
Cool.
I finally make it into my building. Arty greets me as usual (the first truly bright and friendly part of my day) and I am on my way to the 10th floor. I get in, apologize to Craig for being late. I get to my desk, hit the power button on my computer, take off my coat and start checking my phone. It's only after I have responded to a Skype message, read all of my Facebook updates, respond to an email, post 2 comments and turn my phone to silent do I realize that... nope... computer STILL isn't doing anything.
I move the mouse.
Nothing.
I hit the power button on the monitor.
Nothing.
I hold in the power button on the tower and restart.
Nothing.
I hit the monitor power button multiple times in a row.
Nothing.
I'm out of ideas.
I call Craig and tell him that, on top of my already HEINOUS morning, now my computer appears to have blown up. (Also? The TV in my bedroom blew up the other night. "Your shit keeps malfunctioning around me!") He calls the tech guys.
10 minutes later my monitor lights up with the "Press ctrl+alt+delete to begin" screen. It was 9:45am.
Thank GOD this wasn't an actual emergency because it is currently 2:47pm and the IT guys still haven't shown up. Awesome.
Now, all that is pretty frustrating. But as I've said before, it's pretty typical.
What sent me over the edge?
Yesterday I got a phone call for the Aussie chick that I support. She is out of town... actually, out of the country, for the next 2 weeks. I inform the caller that she is out of town and unavailable for a couple weeks, and would he like to leave a voicemail that she will definitely check?
He asks if there is anyone else that was working on "mystery deal 007" with him?
Well, sir... I'm not sure. Did you have a name of anyone else you worked with? No? Just her's? And no other contact information? And no one else that has been in a meeting with you? Then I'm gonna go ahead and guess that she's the only one on this particular assignment.
No, I'm sorry, the only other people that she generally works with in this office are out of town traveling as well.
Yes I'm sure they are out of town.
YES I'M SURE.
SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY COULDN'T BE MORE POSITIVE OF THIS FACT AS I AM CURRENTLY STARING AT THEIR EMPTY CHAIRS.
No, sir, I can't tell you when she might check her phone. The only other person that you may be able to talk to would be her boss in Australia. Would you like his phone number?
Yes, sir, as I said they are out of town, I promise I'm not lying to you.
Yes, she is definitely out of town for at least another week and a half to two weeks.
She is checking emails too if you'd like to send her an email.
YES SIR SHE IS DEFINITELY OUT OF THE OFFICE AND NO THERE ISN'T ANYONE ELSE HERE THAT CAN HELP.
(am I not currently speaking English?)
Do you know this jackass called back today?! AGAIN!
" Hello, so-and-so's desk?"
"Hi, so-and-so this is JACKASS calling to confirm..."
"This is actually her assistant. Did I speak to you yesterday?"
"Um... yes? I was wondering if so-and-so was available?"
"No sir, she's still out for the next week and a half."
"Oh, well is there somebody else there that can help me with..."
FOR THE HOLY LOVE OF GOD THANK GOD THEY DON'T HAVE VIDEO CONFERENCING BUILT INTO THESE PHONES BECAUSE THEN YOU WOULD SEE THE STEAM ACTUALLY COMING OUT OF MY EARS AND THE CHOKING MOTION I AM MAKING TOWARD THE PHONE!
"No sir, they are still out traveling as well. Again the only person that I can direct you to is her boss in Australia. Did you call him"
"Yes, but he wasn't there."
"OK, did you leave a message for him?"
"No, I thought I'd try so-and-so again instead"
"OK, but remember that she's out of town for potentially 2 more weeks, so...."
" Right. OK, so nobody at all is there that can help me?"
Seriously?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?! This guy is super lucky I didn't just hang up on him. I get that you have something you need done and it's probably pretty urgent. But I can't confirm any of this information for you, and the person that you are trying to get in touch with in this office is totally unavailable for the next 2 weeks. YOU WILL NOT HAVE ANY LUCK. I promise you this. Now, we have this little thing called... no wait. I don't even think you could call this modern technology because it has been around for like... 40 years? Longer maybe? IT'S CALLED VOICEMAIL USE IT OH MY GOD.
People. I need a vacation. Somebody start clicking on those ads on the sides of this site so I can get paid and use those millions of... cents... to go somewhere sunshiny and white-sand-beachy. Please? Oh Holy God please help me!
Also last night I started revamping my Events By Connie website, so hop over there and tell me what you think. But don't, like, expect it to work because my life is FRUSTRATING and I'm becoming STABBY now!
So basically I didn't like the way the website looked so I changed it. And it does look prettier. Much more casual, a bit more versatile, and significantly more "me". What's the problem? WEBSITE TONIGHT CAN BITE ME! It's a good idea in theory. But in practice, not so much. The navigation buttons on the homepage don't work yet. You have to go to the photo gallery first, THEN you can go wherever you want. Honestly? I don't love the photo gallery right now so I'm not super happy that everybody HAS to go there!
Things are the wrong color. It's not optimized yet (not that I have any idea how to do that.) and I was thisclose to throwing my laptop across the room. And really? It's not her fault. It's all stupid Website Tonight's fault! It doesn't want to let me move things to different areas on the page. These huge boxes appear around tiny objects, making spacing weird, and when things overlap you can't grab certain other things so it becomes one of those stupid games like on the iPhone with the little wood panel looking things that you have to move all over the screen to get them to... like... I don't know... I have no idea what the end result of that game is because I've never seen it happen and that's EXACTLY how this website feels GAH!
And then there's the DJ. Who, compared to all of this, is actually only a little frustrating. He was commenting on my facebook status the other night and since I think that's STUPID I IMed him. He said that he needed to get with me to figure out what weekend would work for him to get his stuff. Like, the rest of his stuff? That he left? For I don't know why? And is now all over my apartment taking up space and bringing back memories of him living there? Which is awful?
I said OK, and that my weekends were filling up too.
And then he asks: "Are you planning on coming down here soon?" Or something along those lines.
Um. Whaa? Like, to see friend Gia? Or my brother Mike and sister-in-law Jody and QUINN-QUINN AWESOME?! (my nephew :) and one of the really cool things that I got full custody of in the divorce)
Or..
Like...
To see him?
So I ask what for? And his response is "I thought you were planning on visiting me and Maggie?"
Um. Whaa?
I tell him that, no I hadn't actually thought about it at all because I really didn't think we were "there" yet.
He asked why I thought I couldn't visit.
Um.. Because like I just said... "I don't really think we're to that point yet"? Again, am I not speaking English? Really?
He said that he didn't think a visit would be a bad idea, but that it was totally up to me.
Well, it really isn't totally up to me. It might be mostly be up to me, but in the end I'd be staying at his house. Correction. His father's house. So it's not a unilateral decision that I can make, like, "Hey! I'm coming for the weekend! See you in 4 hours." Hello? RUDE!
So I asked if he was saying that he wanted me to visit. To which he said:
"Yeah I think that would be great... I really would come see you but I don't want to go to New York unless I have to..."
And that? That right there? That bothered me. Like. A LOT.
Yet again, I'm in second place. Seeing me comes in second to his desire to avoid New York. "Yeah I want to see you, just not QUITE enough to actually make the trip. Just not QUITE enough to put myself out of my comfort zone."
And now I'm reminded of all the times that I came in second. "Yeah, I want to be in a relationship with you, just not quite as much as I want to guarantee that Lindsay and Ashely are in my life." "Yeah I want to spend time with you, just not if one of the random girls wants to talk, or John calls to talk about DJ equipment, or there's something good on TV, or... um... some other unforeseen circumstance."
And I'm tired of being second. I don't like it, and I deserve to be somebody's priority. I won't put myself in a position where I am tossed so easily to the side. I won't allow him to continue to think that's OK. I will not set that precedent for myself for the future whether it's with him or with somebody else. I want more than that. I should get more than that.
I told him I would think about it, but there's nothing to think about. The answer is "No", DJ. I'm not coming. I would give my left foot and most of my arm to see you and Maggie again. But I need to know you'd give the same to see me.
So you want me? Come and get me.
If not? Then I'm not emotionally setting myself back and coming down there just to be cast to the side again.
But this?
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